wa.

Tonight i was suposed to be happy. and it was suposed to be all whoopie we are done, we can just relax.
this has turned out two be one of the worst days i have had yet.
first. my dad and my step mom get in a big fight. LIKE DO YOU THINK, I WANT TO HEAR MY FATHER AND MY STEPMOTHER FIGHTING AS SOON AS I COME BACK FROM HERO/ HEROINE? NO! I DO NOT. it was over the stupidest thing too. its realyl annoying.
and plus. my dad owed me for like two weeks of allowance so i asked him for it and these were my exact word "dad, can you leave the money on the table tomorrow?im sorry for asking, its just i want to go out tomorrow." and he says "STOP SAYING THAT. YOU DONT FEEL SORRY."
i am actually in tears. you dont know how bad i just wish i culd be with my mom. like. i dont mean here. i mean where ever she is. farther away from this house. i dont want to be here. and the thing is, when ever i cried at my dads house, iwould call my mom and she would feel so bad that i was crying and now, i have no one to call. NO ONE. i dont think any of you know what its like to have the most important person in your life just die. WHILLE YOU ARE IN THE ROOM.
i hate it when this happens. the tears are running down my face, and i dont know how to stop them.
All my moms friends said, the moment my mother died. that if i ever needed anything. or if i was sad or soemthing, they did care how late it was i could just call. but they new i wouldnt do it. which is why they said it. like i still see them and everythng. but its not the same. and its kind of weird. i hate this so much.
i just hate this.
but there is always tomorrow. and right now. the only thing i am looking forward to is to go shopping tomorrow.
but even still, although in technicality i see this person everyday, i never seeeee her. she doesnt even want to hang out with me anymore. and i dont think she nows how much i miss her. and i just want her to be happy. and thats all i want her to know. so know matter what i say here. DO NOT listen. please, because if you listened to what i say.. i will end up hating my self moret han anyhting.

still really sorry

now i feel like such a bitch.
i don't want to do anything. like i feel so sick because of it. and like roar. i surprisingly have like a HUGE consions and i feel so sick because of him finding that. like i didnt sleep last night, and i didnt eat breakfast this morning. and last night Anya was over and i was just like sad after. and she was just watching movies whille i was trying to do something to forget about it.

im sorry.

ok. well
this is a message for Justin Platnar... when i wrote that message, i still really liekd you, even though it was like 3 months, i still just really liked you and i dont know, i was just really mad. i know it was still not a reason, and i didnt think that you would ever see that message, so i am really sorry, but i was just really mad.

another realtionship?

ok well..
this friday. happens to be the worst friday ever.
because...that is the day my mom died.
April 24th 2007. FUCK. but im going to hang out with... person.
and yeah.
it should be fun? well its a party anyways. last time i went to one of these persons partys... it ended in a relationship with a person from that party.. we all know who that is. what if that happens again?

ok well im goingto go.
Allie xoxoooo

party/

"he cant see the smile im faking, and my hearts not breaking, cause im not feeling anything at all"

ok, well yeah, let me continue on with my rave from earlier.
like all my friends are the type of people that if they like someone, they like ALWAYS like them back, its so annoying, rar rarararararararar.
well yes. i dont know. i cant wait for rosedaleeeee..
Kara she is not comming to the party.
so yeah Kara and i are planning a party. and she wants the girl i hate with burning passion to come, i hate her so much, if i even have to look at her for more than five seconds, i will jump on her and scratch her eys out yeah and anyway we are only aloud to have like ten people not including our selves. so she will not be one of the magnificent 10. she is a bitch. ROAR.

kArA and MoI

" romeo save me i've been feeling so alone, i keep waiting for you but you never come"

Hi i am a girl. i have a vagina and i am amazing.
why cant it be as simple as that?
like, ok. thats like all guys need to know about you, that you are a female, that you dont have a penis (by the way Kara is here) and that you are like the greatest person in the world. (i dont mean in bed) and like ROAR. why do i keep liking people..
im tired of falling for people who dont fall back.
you know. well know, most people dont know, because my friends are the type that every guy that they have liked likes them back.
im not gonig to lie.
i have liked a lot of guys. but there are only like four that i ACTUALLY liked, and wanted to date and shit. there Adrian, Nate..., Justin and.... Michael.... oh god. i hate saying the names of people when like they might read this, but like i know probably nate justin and adrian wont read this. well anyway got to go "entertain Kara"

if i had a time machinee...

soo... um i feel like
i
am
so
...
BLAH.
everyone is so happy, and im like so sad. i hate my life so so soo much. like ten times more than anyother person. like. i dont want to be a drama queen or a b!tch but, it just seems to come out that way. i wish i was back in elementary school. or just go back in time and accept the Jarvis letter instead of the Rosedale letter.
this is annoying me so much, i dont know how i will deal with seeing all the faces of the people i hate next year, some i dont hate, but some i really do. if i went to jarvis, i wouldnt know anyone, and i would have a fresh start, the only option i have now is to just, not talk to any of the people i used to know, and just be a different person, become the person i was, not the person i am. who i am hates who i have become, no one would have wanted me this way, especially my mom, i guess the only reason i wanted to go to rosedale is because everyone else was. and, that both my brothers went there, i dont know, and next year especially will be crap, because Andreas is there, and he will probably fail, so he has to stay back a year, so either way (he might not fail, but he will probably take a 5th year) i have three years left with him. and thats is basically all of my high school years, because unless my mind completley changes, on what i want to do in my future i will take a 5th year,
and i dont know i dont mean to bitch. its just, really annoying. like
rawr. so, i dont know, and then if i change my mind later on in grade 9 and i discover that i really do want to hang out with the people i knew, they wont want to hang out with me.even Ros has already moved on. we were going to go in on the first day of school and rate every single guy. now, yesterday, she was doing that with Charlotte. i hate it!
i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life i hate my life.
rawr..
this is a really crap feeling. but anyway.
the only person who i think actually still reads this is Mitch. so mitch, you win 5,000 dollars.
and you also get the privalage of reading me whinning,
was that a bad sentace? i think so. oh well. i am nervesss.
poo.
well anywayi have to go take a showwaa.
tata.

omg.

ok, well Justin wasnt there, so i didnt bitch slap him :(
thats sad :(
2 days for lauras birthday.. im really mad that Justin wasnt there. like i was actually going to do it, i wasnt gonig to chicken out :(
well anyway.. i like this guy.
but okay, so now i have glasses again. and now i can actually see what i look like, i look so ugly, i am so stupid, i thought i looked like, ugh well never mind, i look so ugly. i hate this, not that i have glasses. that i am thsi UGLY.
this is really annoying, im glad in a way that Justinwasnt there, but i am mad that the kid i DO like WAS there.
life is not fair.
i am really bored. like really.
and there isnothing t do cause i am with my sister. this is reall y really annoying.
i want to go to shoppers, but i cant because i spent my money at starbucks, and charlotte owes me five bucks and seriously if i dont have that money by tomorrow i am really going to get mad at her, she owes me this from before the break.
welll i have to gooo. byebyeee

people i wish id never met.

" you can change your hair you can change your clothes. yuo can change you mind it just the way it goes, you can say goodbye and yuo can say hello, ubt you'll always find your way back home" - Miley Cyrus...

ok, i actually love that song. i know im a loser. but i love it, i also loved LOVED that movie.... (L)LucasTill(L)
right now, i should be about to go to sleep. i need to wake up at 6 tomorrow because my stepmom is like taking my hole family to her dads house in teh morning to say goodbye because he is going to florida for like a month.
i think sarah que deleted me as a friend on MSN and Facebook.
ima go to sleep now,
but like before i do, let me just say how mad i am. like Kevin, he can lke any girl, and by teh end of the first week, they will be in a full on relationship. but then... ugh never mind. im just stupid.
i should have transfered to bowmore instead of E.A.S.T, i hate this so much. i wish i never met all these people, like i love my friends, thats not the people i wish i never met, but like Bonnie, or L,
i just hate all these people and i dont want to be like, ew i hate you, because then they would turn all these different schools against me. like all the people at E.A.S.T would hate me if they new the hatred i have for L. she is such a fake ass hole bitch.
and Bonnie, like i am actually friends with her, i just wish i never met Justin Platnar.
he is such an assssss.
im just really mad at a lot of things right now. so im going to so to sleep now..
bye bye
xoxo Allie:)

corner gas, we shall miss theee.

2 more days till the bitch slap happens :)
im about to watch the corner gas series finale. i lvoe it..!
im listening to a song from Shrek 2 right now. its called accedentaly in love (L)
i love ti, i watched it like two days ago, and i love this song, i have to go now and watch the series finale (L)(L)
i loveeeeeeeeeeee this guy.... (not JP- although i dooo love him)
ok well after this thingy is over i shall right back.
i found a science book after all.... yeaah bye byue for now/

facebook notes

I dont have my science book :(
so i am fucked.
omg i was just watching a Russel Peters movie, and he was doing a little thing on sign language. and he was like the sign for retard is this thingy... and thats a thing Justin always did! OMG i was like dieing i was actually shitting in my pants... except not actually shitting.
i have a really bad headache.... waa.
i am so bored. my dad is a bum and doesnt celebrate Easter... he celebrate the joyus holiday of greek easter which is like a hole 7 days after normal easter... like what the point, seven says is not that long a time period. so i have to wait for another pointless week to be a fat ass and eat chocolate.
i talked to Nik today, apperiantly he is comming home on the 25...
molly bought me a dress yesteray
i love it!
i cant believe she acvtually bought me it though, it was like thirty dollars, i would never do that. like EVERR. maybe for there brthday, or if i was like older and not in my teenage years.
jesus. the missing years.
that jist came to mind. the reason for all the spelling errors is becaue i still dont have my glasses and i cant see what buttons im pushing.
i get to slap ass face in 4 days.. omg its going to be so epic..
omg.. i want to do a facebook note on this little nifty blog thing.... ok
hereeee goes:

After your done this note tag anyone!!
no, fuck you

GENERAL

ONE - spell your name without vowels: Lxndr bchnn prrs

TWO - Are you single? yee

THREE - Whats your favorite number? 13

FOUR - What color do you wear most? i wear a viriety of coolors

FIVE - Least favorite color? greyish greeny color.

SIX - What are you listening to? my paper heart -- greese

SEVEN - What do you smoke? nothingg

EIGHT - Are you happy with your life right now? sometimes yes. right now no

NINE - Anyone ever said you resemble a celebrity? nope.

TEN - What is your favorite class(es) in school? drama and english even trhough they are like the same thing?

ELEVEN - Do you shop at tna/aritzia/AE?: AE

TWELVE - DO you shop at Bluenotes'/Hot Topic/hmv?: bluenotes and hmv when i buy movies.

THIRTEEN - How do you make money? birthday holidays

FOURTEEN - What's your cats name? i dont own a cat. so ill say Persia.

FIFTEEN - Are you outgoing? suree

SIXTEEN - One word to describe you? hah

SEVENTEEN - Favorite hat? my black one?

EIGHTEEN - Do you own big sunglasses? yep. i got them from the movie theater. tey are 3D Glasses :P

NINETEEN - Where do you wish you were right now? i dunno

TWENTY - What should you be doing right now? notihng.. well looking for someone to borrow a math book from,

TWENTY ONE - Do you have a crush on anyone right now? sadly yep

ANGER

1. Are you currently mad at someone? yes.. :@

2. Which family member has the worst temper? my papss

3. Have you ever thrown something at anyone's face? yes....

4. Does your face turn red when you're angry? not really

5. When you're mad do you prefer to stare angrily or yell? YELL

EXCITEMENT

1. Has anyone ever thrown a surprise party for you? nope

3. Which of your friends is most excitable? Laura or Molly

4. If you won a million $'s what would be your first thought? SHOPPING SPREE BITCH

5. If you could have anything right now, what would it be? oh.. i think you now... an italian sports carrr... no. jksjsk

YOU

1.Your name? Allieeee
2. Where do you live?
3. What's your main goal in life? succsesfullnesss
5. How do you want to die? eating a peace of cake. but not choking. i just want to faint. and then i would be dead.

OPINIONS

1. Sex before marriage? i dunno

2. Lower the drinking age? dont care, i dont drink

3. Abortion? when people need them

4. Recycling? a'course

LOVE

1. Do you like someone? sadly x2.

2. Who? a boy

3. What is he/she like? an ass face

4. Who is the best hugger that you know? lulu

5. Do you believe in love at first sight? yeah

LAST

1. Person you saw last (not in your family)? mollay

2. Person you hugged? dad

3. Movie watched? the russel perters show on dvd.... ha

4. Song you listened to? greased lightning

NOW

1. What are you doing now? answering disss question

2. What are you doing/did you do today? nothing

3. What are you going to eat for dinner? iunno

TOMORROW

1. Is: no schooool :)
2. What are you doing? GOING TO FIND A SCIENCE BOOK

CURRENTLY

1. Currently love someone? yah
2. Like someone? for fuck sakes!
3. Do they know it? not anymore.
4. Is it a simple or complicated situation? simple? how the fuck can liking someone be complicated? lol.
5. Does someone like you? oh god. its been five fucking months give it a rest...






WOW THAT WAS POINTLESSSSS! a facebook note on a "blog" wowwww.
i hate myself.
ima go do homewokr so i dunn have to do it tomorrow :)
byeee

alalala

Ok, im glad shes happy, and i dont want to be like oh well rawr.
i am like so beyond happy that they are happy, but like why do i not get to see them anymore?
like i know its been 3 days but, without them it seems like an eternatie. like the otehr day when we were about to walk home, my friend Autymn came and was like lets hang out today and i was like no i have to wait for this person and then i waited for like 30 min, and then they come out and they say, im going to gerrard square with A.

okay, well right now i am watching a movie and listening to music...
woah, how does that workkkkkkk.
OMG THE HANNAH MONTANA MOVIE WAS SO AMAZING, I LOVED IT! AND LUCAS TILL IS SO HOT, I AM MARRIED TO HIM, BECAUSE HE IS LIKE GORGOUS AND I AM LIKE OMG.
well yeah
this is pointless.
soo bye byee

:):):) BITCH SLAP.

"i've never kissed a girl, i never fell in love"- The Bomb-something or rather..

Ros, Charlotte and Aidan saw Justin today....
AIDAN BROKE HIS PROMISE.I
AM NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER TRSUTING HIM AGAIN.
He said, ugh, well it doesnt matter anymore....
i cant WAIT till the 15th... ima bitch SLAP Jplat.
and Ros says he'll be like "that was a demon slap.."
hah....
its going to be fun!!!
FUN FUN FUN.
i am on the phone with Laura...
and she is really excited... because her brother is comming home, and he is bringing home his girl friend..
and he never brings home girlfriends.

fatty,

ok.
so i havent "blogged" in a whille.
i am happy? i dont know, Charlotte wont date HIM. So thats good,
i want to go to ardene to buy bathing suit, except i really shouldnt i am a fat ass.
or a purse if i dont get a bathing suit.
well i have to go do some thing with my step monster
ill post later tonight!

Dresses..

ok... im really scared. like my family is actually really suffering money wise. Like it might not seem that bad by me saying this... but the amount that i can spend on my grad dress is like 25-35 dollars. when other girls in my class are spending like 200 on theres. But anyway. i found a dress.. thats like on sale from 44.50 to 25.. so.. yeah.. i just like dont want people thinking im like cheep or something.
ok... well i found 5 dresses.... but one of them will be for a wedding i am going to in the summer.. and the total for the 5 dresses is 124..that makes them all sound really cheep. but there all marked down from 44... if that helps...

Well its really 4 dresses and a sweater. i know if i can only get two... which two i will get. so... yeah. and that will be like 50-60 dollars. but yeah BUT I WANT THAT SWEATER!
ok... well i just eliminated some of the merchandise.. so now its four items for 79.99... which means.... FREE SHIPPING!...
my family will be so proud.. i know how to bargan shop...
i really hope the people who actually read this dont think anything different of me. like its not my fault my family cant afford it. like i feel bad. i wasted all my money shopping on clothes for people to think i have good style. but it doesnt mean anything. Like now i am that much poorer for worrying about what people thought of me.

crap.

ok.well Kara convinsed me to write more. so here it goes.
well.. i got my new phone today... it is gorg.
i kind of like someone. but its not major.
so it doesnt really matter. because first off. this person. does not in anyway.... like me at all. like we are 'friends' but trust me. that will never ever change. like everyoen has liked this person, so that kind of give it away. and everyone says he is super dooper hot. i personally do not think he is that great.
this is shit. i feel like shit.
i am sad now.
i feel like i did last year.
this is a crap feeling to have.
i have to go do something. i dont want to go to school tomorrow.
Rosedale. yay. i dont even want to go to high school. i dont want to graduate. and just stay home.
nothing will change, i will still be the "fat" one. ill be the one guys just want to be friends with, no one will ever think of me differently.
i just hate it, it feels stupid. its so much easier to be a guy and be liked then to be girl to be liked. the only who has ever liked me is Kuba.. not the greatest guy to have like you.
im just really mad.
its so annoying.
and garrr. so many people like people. but they cant tell anyone, either that person is already in a realationship. or they are like they are the nicest person ever.

the last one.

i hate it when people remind me of who i really am.
i hate this, like.
roar.
i dont want to write it because people will think im stupid.
so i dont know.
i think i should just stop the hole "blogging" in general.
no one wants to hear what i have to say.

the crap hole.

there is a moldy pizza pocket sitting next to me.
i just thought everyone should know what is on my desk at the moment...:
a book, a bowl,a moldy pizza pocket, a plate, a juice box,a camera, another camera, a razor, a bar of soap, a hair elastic, 13 more hair elastics, 4 braclets,a plastic microphone, paper, powder, a box, a toblarone box,a tin cup, arm warmers cards, playing cards, pastels, usb cables, wrappers, speakers, my computer,a box for my psp, more paper, pictures,pens,markers,pencils... if you dont believe me... ask Kara, she even told me my room was a crap hole. luv ya bab :0

Cellular :)

Michael jinxed me..
so.. i dont know if we have english tomorrow and i still havent done my plot line... shiz.
my dad is a stupid boy. very stupid indeed.
but thats okay :)
i still love him. i think.

ok.. well i do like a person, but there 17... so thats kinda weird.
there my dads best friends kid..
they are like smokin'!
and we hung out today, it was good, we saw a movieee. i was so frikin scared.
and when i was, he was like haha and he put his arm around me :) loveeeeeee.
i had the scariest nightmare last night. like im dead. it was terrifiying it wasnt one of those Jplat dreams. it was a actual scary dream, that people other than me would find scary.
so. now my phone isnt comming till friday. its so stupid. my dad didnt order it. so we have to order it tomorrow. if he doesnt. hes going to hear something out of me. i know its a privalige to have a phone. but like, roar. i want mine!
i know what phone i want!
sorry. i was just looking at the phone my brother is getting. and since i havent ordered mine yet. i am going to get the one he is going to get. its called the Samsung M320 silver... i dont like the silver, but its the only color they have, so i have to get it. but its okay,because its a cool phone.
this is the last time i am changing my mind!
and if it turns out to be a phone i dont want, then i will have a phone i dont like. but really its all about calling people. and if it calls them, then thats fine!
i made the list of all my contacts already. there are 365.. ha im so cool ;P
you guys wanna see a double chin smiley? ok.: :)) haha... to clever. to clever.
yes Mirch i liked Henry, your the only one who did not know that, because even he knew.

oh ma god

do we have any geo homework?
and like er i havent memorized my speech, like at all. and i have to do my math, and my english thingy
roar.
why does this break have to end?
but thats ok, because next year ima go to rosedale :)
and illl be like bam.
I really wish that my thirteenth year would be over already!i dont mean like i want to die, i just mean like, i wish i could turnm 14 already, because like er :( im all stressed out and i hate this year. and right now i am biting a marker... cause you all really needed to know that,
so...
i think its really amazing because of that guy who signed on to his blog and then he saw this one that was like this kid who threatened to burn down his school, and when he called the police they went out to find him 9and this school was in england or some fancy place like that, then when they found the 16 year old kid he had a knife and a loaded thing of gasoline and matches. that kid did all of this because of bullies. like i dont know what these kids did to him to make him do this, but like deal with it, burning down your hole school because of three kids is not the way to go, like i frikin goto bullied and like i said i dont know what these kids did to him, but i transfered schools. and i am "happy" now. and i dont (sometimes i do) have to deal with bitchy kids. and i still see those kids, except the kids that still try and fuck with me, i dont even know, they werent even in my class. and then like i was walking home from anya's house cause the bus driver was being a douche and then they were like you got beaten up by a grade 2. and like first of all. you didnt touch me. second of all. i kicked all your asses. and stephanie pussied out on my btw. and then like yeah so this kid sure he was emotionaly bruised but he still sould have dealt with it better.

and i am so happy that the people who killed Stephanie something from rosedale finally got sentanced. like my goodness who would be that jelous to kill somebody?
i am a jelous person, im not going to lie, but i can control that jelousy, and for this girl to kill KILL somebody because of they think that there boyfriend still liked there ex. thats just messed up. and like. thats honestly the one thing that scares me about going there next year, like obviously i know those kids wont be there, but like if i am in a relationship then its over, then the next girl with that guy wanys me dead? like no. im not scared about the drugs or anything, because everyone does it atleast once in there life. and you cant say you wont do it, because you never know if your going to change your mind. like there is this girl Aurora, and she was like the sweetest goody goody ever in 1-6 and i dont know what she was like in 7-8 but she said she would never ever EVER do drugs... she is now the biggest pot head at rosedale.

this is probably the longest post i have ever written. haha.
Like look at Mitch's he has like 5 line posts, i idolise you Mitch Duncan. i always thought you were Hannah Duncan's brother. but your not. so i love you mitch :)

new phone in 5 days !

"i never gave up fighting i never said my good byes so why? why did we let go?" - mia rose

so yeah. i dont like that person. it was just one of those scares.. trust me this was a scare :S

so i guess im friend with Elsa now. we havent been in a while, but like today we actually talked. like not me pussying out, like i honestly said what was on my mind. and i know who KD likes :)
haha i feel so in with the Bowmore drama. even though it doesnt matter. but there is like no drama at E.A.S.T... and it sucks i love dramaaaaaaa / gossip, right now laura McFatass is telling me about her brothers girlfriend.
wopie.
im boreed
i cant wait to have a cell again... its tortue not having one!but thats only because i had one before, and im just not used to not having it.
like if i never had one, i would be fine without it, but its because im used to being able to call from where ever.
well in toronto.
and on weekends and weeknights past 6pm.

i only have 200 hundred minutes... and if you know me i talk on the phone a lot. and i usually use all those minutes up when i am walking home, i use them to call fat ass.

crap :S

im happy i moved on, im happy i moved on, things were going so slow but then i got it in me to move on -


ok. so i dont like anybody!
i think... im so confuzzled.
like i know i dont like HIM agian, and im glad for that,
and im over henry, so for all the people who actually take there time to read this and didnt know i like him, yes i liked henry.
but i might like someone else. but i dont know, like if you saw me the other day, i was like BITCHIN! I DONT LIKE ANYONE! YAYAYYAAA
but now its liek fack?
but its all good
im getting my new phone on wed or thurs. its pretty chills its the audiovox 8930.
its ugly, but its like kick assssssssssssssssssss

st.patties day :):)

Right now i am waiting for my dad to finish talking to the stupid bell people. because we ordered a new phone for my brother and i, and then they were like "hey we are stupid bitches. we should be fucks and not give them the right order." and then i was like oh bitch you did not send me the wrong phone, i wasn't aloud to get the phone i wanted (the double flip) so i am getting the same as Lindsay, only i am going to make mine all like hot :) i am going to put on those shit rinestones just to be cool... im such a dick, i am truly sorry for that profound language, oh god, i sound like a stupid JP. he is always like profound, but thats cool, because im not nearly as big a loser as him, and all his little loser friends, like MacNeal Darnley, (its the only friend i know of.. all his other friends he suposedly beats up, but i doubt it, he's scrony...) so yeah its st.Patricks day :) i enjoy this, because i saw the sound of music, but im not going to lie... it was bad... like well it wasnt bad, it just wasnt good. but yeah, so while we were leaving, i saw this guy who was like wearing a green suit, but he was in the window of a building (a buisness building) and he was like in the middle of a meeting or something. Its also my grandparents annaversay :)
thats cute, well i think, speaking of cute, yesterday i was baby sitting my sister 9it might have been today, i really cant remember) and then we were watching Zoey 101, and when they were kissing i was like yucky ;P and she was like no its beautiful and cute :)
and i was like AWE, thats so sweet, shes a cute kid.
I think my dad is off the phone.
So... yeah sound of music was not nearly as good as Jersey Boys :)
that was my love LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE LOVE, and i am love... yeah sorry i forgot my train of thought.
in the song love story i thought it said christmas not this mess. so i learned something today.

yeah.

ok... well i havent really doen this in a whille.
its march break, and its like fab ?
Well lindsay and i hung out with molly and had a sleepover..
i bought like ten movies.. in two days... i bought the complete 2nd and 3rd season of THAT 70'S SHOW!
love it... and i bought little miss sunshine. and the note book. good luck chuck..( i didnt know what it was about, so i bought it...) the girl next door the rocker nick and norahs infinite playlist something about marry shallow hal. and yeah
IM SO BORED..
i want to do something..
im so nerves about the RDHSA "audition plaisments"
i cant do anything infront of people.

Ros

HHA
Q!
lmao Rs was like you know why x is a hug because it looks lke the arms extendning..
but then o is like kisses because of the o shape your mouth mkes
then q.. Q looks like something going into something.....QQQ

miss you love

RAHH....
I MISS MY BEST FRIEND...
she hasnt been herself latley.
I MISS HER SO MUCH
we used to have all these jokes, but know we barley talk...
i miss her
she is my babr and i wish we still hung out... after school everyday we would hang out for like an hour or 2 but know we never do... i miss her, she is so great. i wish she could tell me... i wish i could help. i read her blog. and from the way she is writing it sounds like she is a bit... better, but then again that is just the way she is writting.

bleh

Mitch..
i just read your blog.
I LOVE YOU.
thats all i can say about you.

Well today i babysat.
and i was freaking out the hole time
i watched this frigged up show about a lady in an insane isylum, and then she turns out to be a gosht and she was singing frera something i cannot spell!
But yeah, you would even be able to imagine how scared i was. i was in a big house. all alone, with a four year old. watching a scary ass video. and then. i go to check my e-mail. i have the scariest chain mail ever. and i was crying after that i was so scared.... and aside from all that, my dreams wont fucking stop.
These stupid dreams about a stupid person, its jsut so STUID.
welll im tired

CRAP. that was scary.

Be My Escape"

I’ve given up on giving up slowly, I’m blending in so
You won’t even know me apart from this whole world that shares my fate
This one last bullet you mention is my one last shot at redemption
because I know to live you must give your life away
And I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I’m giving up on doing this alone now
Cause I’ve failed and I’m ready to be shown how
He’s told me the way and I’m trying to get there
And this life sentence that I’m serving
I admit that I’m every bit deserving
But the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while You hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I gotta get outta here
Cause I’m afraid that this complacency is something I can’t shake
I gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging You to be my escape.

I am a hostage to my own humanity
Self detained and forced to live in this mess I’ve made
And all I’m asking is for You to do what You can with me
But I can’t ask You to give what You already gave

Cause I’ve been housing all this doubt and insecurity and
I’ve been locked inside that house all the while you hold the key
And I’ve been dying to get out and that might be the death of me
And even though, there’s no way in knowing where to go, promise I’m going because
I’ve gotta get outta here
I’m stuck inside this rut that I fell into by mistake
I’ve gotta get outta here
And I’m begging You, I’m begging You, I’m begging
You to be my escape.

I fought You for so long
I should have let You in
Oh how we regret those things we do
And all I was trying to do was save my own skin
But so were You

So were You



ILOVE THAT SONG!
its fab...
ok well if anyone is still reading this...you really have no life, if you like to read about people bitching about guys..
i was so crazy today after school i like run out screaming what is this.. but everyone who reads this was there... so yeah.....
im so bored.
and i am like gar.
hate it.. hate. it.
i really hope my dreams dont continue, i had another one last night, and i dont want to have my sleep dirupted even more!


OH SHIT THAT WAS SCARYY!
SO I JUST INSTALLED THE NEW MSN. AND THEN IT SAID MAKE GROUPS, SO I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE NORMAL MSN GROUPS, WHERE YOU DONT HAVE TO HAVE THEM ACCEPT YOUR INVITATION, SO I MADE ONE CALLED I LOVE HIM... AND OFCORSE JUSTIN WAS THE ONLY ONE I HAD IN THERE.... AND ITS JUST LIKE SHIT! AND THEN IT TOOK ME LIKE 5 MINUTES TO FIND OUT HOW TO DELETE THAT GROUP. HOYL FUCK ... THAT WAS NOT GOOD. NOT NOTNTONOTNNOTYOOOTOTOTTO GOOD!
but yeah, i found out how to delete it, but if he came on when i was tryingto... that would have been awkward.

Bad Dreams.

Ok..
so today I was sad-ish...
i was crying at break, and what i thought would happen... was exactly what happened.
But the reason i was crying was because of a dream i had last night. It was kind of just like everything over the past two years combined. well just the things i remember.. Like, my mom was alive in it. and then Justin... he was dating Elsa... after that part i woke up crying.. And then when i finally fell asleep again it was like time for me to get up. well an hour before i had to get up. and then it was like a continuation of the dream. And it was all the fights between my brother and my dad... and all the fights between my dad and my mom, and all the fights between my brother and my mom...And then i woke up again crying after half an hour.
And C... is going to Rosedale. and like i know that this is going to happen... She is going to see Justin, Justin will see her, they fall madly in love and she will say to me "hey Allie, remember that pinkie promise about i wont date Justin? Is it ok if i date him?" and then i wouldnt be a bitch about it. i would say go the fuck ahead. But on the inside id be dieing. i know i would, even if i had a boyfriend (ha me with a boyfriend.) and lets say i was completley happy. her saying that, would still kill me.
like it would KILL me.
But like i said,
I would not be a bitch about it. i wouldnt want him to be sad because i would not let him date the girl he likes...
but yeah
its just going to happen... but im going to like try TRY, the best i can to make sure nothing of that sort will happen.
im such a bum.
I really hope i will have a better dream than last night, i really need sleep...
because, a mix of those three things is just too much at one time

Cause we live.. our different lives... when we are worlds apart.

AM I LIKE THE ONLY ONE EXCITED FOR HIGH SCHOOL?!
its going to be so much fun!
We will be out of our shitty little school, with actually people. Instead of being isolated with these little freaks.. my friends are freaks, everyone knows that!
The only thing i am actually going to miss about this school will be Maria (she is the best teacher i have EVER had) and Mitch... Mitch is special.. I will miss him, but yeeahh, i will also miss Anya.
They are pretty chill people. I feel like a douche. Because my friend Laura was like i dont want to go to Rosedale, and at the time i thought i would be going to Jarvis, so i told her to apply there, because like it is a good school. its just not the school i would want to go to. But so she finaly agreed to go to Jarvis... and then when i told her i was going to Rosedale, she first screamed for like ten minutes... and she was sitting on my lap so i really cant hear out of my right ear anymore..
But then she was like... so your not going to Jarvis... and she was like sad. and she is my best friend, and liek although we went to different middle schools and we are in different grades... i dont want to leave her.. She is my one friend who has been there through it all... She's been there longer than Elsa... Longer than Autymn and definetly longer than Adrian.
She was the one person i would talk to when my mom died. She was the one person who actually knew my mom out of my friends, her mom and my mom were like best friends, and then having her as my best friend, its just like good i guess? I dont know. But I have grown up with her, and she is the only person i feel comftorble enough to do anything with. Like usually, when i go to people's houses im all shy and stuff.. But when i get to her house, im like BAM. and its probably becuase of the fact that yeah, i did grow uo with ehr and her mom. Her dad used to scare me.. but i have grown to love Roberto. (Robert) im the only one who is aloud to call him that!
Actually no. im pretty sure his family calls him that. But im the only one of lauras friends who is aloud to call him that. Just like im the only one aloud to call KD, KD or Macaroni. And i am the only one aloud to call Benja fart ass. (long story)
And yeah.
I have names for everyone!
Like laura is lou lou mcMuffin.. because on the out side she is fucking skinny as crap. and on the inside she has the heart of a fatty.
And KD (kraft dinner/ kevin dickie) and Macaroni (KD)
and Fart Ass... haha Benja
i love benja! when he called justin he was like sorry, i have to go masterbate now... byyee.
I LOVE HIM!
Yes well it is late...
so i supose is should be off to bed.
But yeah also for Sarah, i call her Quetieee.
and then for autymn i call her Auto Bot.
And for Elsa... its Bitch. she is a bitch, she honestly does not the rage i have built up inside of me for her.
And for Charlotte... i call her charlotte. like latte. the beverage.
I really honestly do not DO NOT want her to go to RDHSA with me... i love her and everything, but she is a competitive actress. and thats what none of the people from there that i know are like.
But then again, thats like ... well thats a lot of the people there lol
But yeah, and then for Lindsmore i call her Lindsmore
and for Anya... scottie frikin hottie. (again... long story)

I was losing myself to somebody else.

I am so tired!
I am so mad/tired.
I hate my body.
Im like fucking fat as an obese elephant.
Like..EERR. its so annoying.
and like my Friend who i love so much, is still sad, and i hate seeing her like this, she is so great, and she shouldn't be like this.
I miss my life. The life i had when my mom was here.
Just like i know she misses her life.
Everything is just so fucked up at the moment.
My life is stupid. I actually hate it. I don't let it show at school, because if i do everyone is just like oh whats wrong, and i hate it when that happens.
And i hate having to fake a smile, its so annoying, i hate showing emotions that i don't really feel.
Gahh. today doing the hero/heroine
Publish Post i forgot my line, and it is like the simplest line in the world "December 1st 1955. It was not pre-arranged and it was not till after i paid my fare that i had realized it was the same bus driver that had pulled me off the bus in 1943, twelve years earlier."
and then the guy was like how old are you, and i thought he meant the character (well Rosa Parks) and i was like 42. and he was like no... you. and i was like, oh you mean me allie? and he was like yeah
gahh. embarrassing.

My life would suck without you.

"You got a peice of me, and i gotta say, my life would suck without you." kelly clarkson.

Ok,
so there is this girl named Erin,
and she likes JP and she keeps freaking talking to me about him. like seriously if all you want to talk to me about is him, just go away, or dont bother talking to me. Like she's a nice girl, but i dont want to hear abotu the guy im trying to get over.
And then I said I am so excited for High School, and she said,
Why so yu can see justin platnar?
and seriously.
Dont even fuck with me right now.
I am so mad :(v grr.
But my plan on the first day...
Stuff a bran muffin in his face :P
he doesnt like bran :)
but who doesnt like muffins?
NO ONE!
i love chocolate muffins.
im fat, everyone already knows that!
But yeah, a world without chocolate, is a world without happieness.
like ask Ros,
but the stupid thing is Ros cant get fat, its actually like impossible for her to. Cause i have seen her eat, and she does not gain a pound. Its not fair :(
Well i did like 4 math forums today :)
thats good?
i dont know,
then i was talking to Micheal, (i think you are the only one who reads my blog micheal!)
so then he was like im gonn get fat
and guys cant get fat,
its not fair, girls like starve there selves and then guys can eat like all they want, and they dont gain a pound, they have such fast matableisms.
i hate guys.
for many reasons.
but that is a reason too!
I am so tired. i havent gotten much sleep latley... stupid people, well... i keep thinking about them, and then i cant sleep. because im so confeused about my own feelings. and its so stupid, because i cant control them, you people dont even know how much i want to just like take a week or so off of school, and just sit at home, and think of all the reasons why i should or shouldnt like these people.
and seriously,
answer me this, im not saying I do. But other people do... What is wrong with a girl liking a guy younger than her? Seriously? Guys are aloud to date people younger than them, but then when an older girl goes out with a younger guy, suddenly its the end of the world.
Its stupid. age doesnt matter honestly people. Like if your a fucking gold digger, then ill poop on your chest for treating/ tricking someone like that, but like look at all these cases. I know a guy whos 45 he married a girl who is 28. thats a BIG difference, so if a girl likes a guy by like a year or two everyone is like EW thats so gross. I honestly dont see the point, or the difference.
But like i said, i defenatly do not like a person younger than me, i think everyone in the world knows who i like :P
Well... i dont really like him/love him. Its just a habbit of not letting people go. and thats suck suckish.
But yeah. i dont like him, i just cant let go of him. its weird, i did this amny other people in the past, except the case wasnt this bad.

urgh.

Im so cold.
im sitting in my room in liek summer outfit.
i feel so fat right now.
I ate like three cookies, then i ate like a chocolate, then i ate chips.
FAT MUCH.
Then for diner i hada salad.
Its sad to say that im excited to go to High School with JP.
Like honestly im so excited.
I sound like a fucking stalker,
but im not. i just really like him. At least im not like Daryl. She stalks aidan chee all the time. and its just like creepppyy.

Shoot for the moon, even if you miss, you'll land upon the stars.

It feels like everyday is still becoming the same thing
Like i dont even want people reading this, it will waste there life.
me just bitching about,when people are dieing, and starving
and im lucky enough to have the dinner's i have.
Im used to putting on a happy face at school, and i am so tired of it,
last year was more like me.
I was so much sadder.
It's just like theres no point,
eventually we are all going to die, im not saying i want to die right now,
but im saying,
the clothes we buy, the way we act, it will all someday just be over,
so whats the point?
Buying expensive clothes to impress someone?
Thats like 100 dollars down the tube.
And then an education,
we get one, but then one day we die.
Simple favors can turn out to be the end of your life,
like look at the Holly Jones story.
her friend was scared of walking home alone, so she helps her walk home.
but then this crazy ass guy just kills her.
Imagine how it would feel if it was you she was doing the favor for,
she walks YOU home because YOU were scared.
Im not saying its the girls fault, im saying that whats the point if eventually we all die?
Some people say,
that if you live your life well,
then it doesnt matter when you die,
but what if you have a terrible life?
Are you expected to live forever?
NO.
Your not.
My mom had a decent life,
did she want to die? no, she didnt.

Well today, i didnt even bother leaving my room.
there is like no point.
I didnt pick up my guitar, i didnt turn on the music.
And then,
just noticing how dull life would be if we didnt have things like that,
today was so boring.
WOW, i have the biggest mood swings...
Like okay, i dont want to die, and i dont want it to happen anytime soon,
but the feelings inside me, feel like i already am.
I just hate people.
And once those people are out of my life, ill be fine.
But oh no.
Guess what,
im going to high school with them next year. I it when people act like they have the shittyiest life ever, when actually they have everything they want,
like this girl C she has everythign, she is pretty, she is smart, her parents are like always happy. But then oh wait a minute,
she likes to act, guess who else does... EVERYONE. but if someone else try's
then she acts like she is getting her glory taken away,
i have so much anger for this girl.
Its like in mean girls,
Lindsay Lohan doesnt like Ragina, but she just like has to?
you know what i mean? she cant help it, she just does,
but with me, its so annoying,
i tell everyone i hate her,
but then i hate being mean to people,
unless like i really dont care,
seriously i dont. Many people have seen me bitch out on people ALL THE TIME, but then i can be nice.

When i was dating mr.platnar,
i was taught a lesson,
"Shoot for the stars, because even if you miss you'll land upon the stars."
It was when i was confused about what was happening.
Like if we were going to just stay liking each other, or if we were ever going to actually "date"
and then, i did,
and i got what i wanted,
and then now looking back on it,
(not saying im going to stop liking him, because trust, i've tried, its pretty much impossibe.)
but if you just try,
or even think about it,
you will just be liek shwaa.
you know?

Why

"Why, do you always do this to me. Why couldnt you just see it through me. How come, we act like this like we just dont care at all. Do you expect me to believe i was the only one to fall. I can feel i can feel you near me, even when your far away, i can feel i can feel you baby,why. Its not suposed to hurt this way i need you i need you more and more each day."
Avril Lavigne.

I am so tired
and bored
this is going to be like the most boring popst yet.
So yesterday when i went shopping i got C's b-day present.
Its pretty?
Its a shirt and its like pink and has flowers or something on it.
But its not one of those grandma pink flower shirts.
Its like sex me up pink flower shirt.
I HATE LIVING WITH MY DAD.
Like he just sucks.
I really just hate living with him,
dont get me wrong i love him.
It might not seem like it,
but i do, and everyone makes mistakes.
He just does to many,
to close together.
And then i was thinking, if i go to high school with Andreas next year, this is going to cause a lot of shit, but its going to be funny. Like i know all his friends, and his friend and i are all like bff's but not really, but we chill, we chill. So i'm going to like hang around with these kids just to make him mad.
Ros told me that in the summer i have to hold like a "Party" for her to meet all the hot gr 11's!
Yeah, that would amuse me greatly.
I know like 17 kids in gr 9 (going for next year) like a trillion of the gr 10 (for next year) all the gr 11 like honestly ALL the gr.11's (they will be in gr.11 next year) and then i only know like 3 gr 12's.
Im going for Drama and for singing.
But no one else from my schol is going for singing.
So im a gonn be screweedddd.
But it'll be fine.
But like everyone in my school put like DRAMA! and visual arts, well i dont know about C.
I honestly cant hang out with her next year, i eally really really really really really really really really really really really really really dont DONT DO NOT want to hang out with her next year.
There are like 4 people i do not want to hang out with next year...
A,J,I and C. But like yeah.
J does not stand for Justin. BTW!
I am so tired right now. I should really be doing homework,
or cleaning.
Well earlier i cleaned out my dresser/closet, wait, did i already say this in my last post? i dunno,.
But yeah i only have 20 shirts left and 3 pairs of pants.
Hehh...
Well i best get to workin..

hmm..

Umm...
okay, so i still have this guy on msn.
and i stay online and dont block him, because i still have hope that he will start a convo with me.
i know im pathetic.
when i was hanging out with that girl Bonnie
i was looking at her phone,
and who's number do i come across other than him.
so, now i know his number..
its actually kind of odd,
Benja called him. and was like, wait hold on a sec i have to go masterbate.
i love benja,
but saying that to none other than JP.
i hate him for that.
But thats ok. i am hooking him up with Ros.
They would make such a cute couple :) ♥
But yeah, i dont know,
should i jsut like delete mr. platnar as a friend on msn?
because i know that he wont open a convo with me.
and when i do with him,
he doesnt say anything.
So really,
im just stupid.
i am stupid for going to the party,
for meeting him,
for liking him,
for ever thinking anything about him.
seriously,
there are probably like 1000 other girls my age in T.O right now saying
this exact thing...
no one knows how this feels.
I mean everyone has there case.
but mine is just stupid,
which is why no one knows how it feels.
I just like hate this feeling,
its so annoying,
and it just wont go away.
Well,
High school with him next year,
oh god, and Andreas.

Conclusions.

Conclusions.

If you love someone- tell them

if someone hits you- hit them back

Who am I? I am who I say I am, and tomorrow, i can be someone entirely different.

Sometimes we know we shouldnt but thats exactly why we do.

Always forgive your enimies, nothing annoys them more.

Dont put off things for tomorrow, when you can avoid it forever.

Kid, you failed horribly, the lesson is never try.

If being sane is thinking theres something wrong with being different I'd rather be completley fucking mental.

When your right, no one remembers, when your wrong, no one forgets.

The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.

I dont care what you think of me... because it couldnt be half as bad as what i think of you.

Remember: Ametuers built the Ark and Proffecianals built the Titanic.

Low riders are for little boys who cant get them up.

I miss her.

I am so confused.
I like dont even know what I am doing anymore.
I AM SO CONFUESED.
about everything,
1.School.
2.Boys.(who the fuck gives a shit about that anymore)
3.My family.
4. GRR.

1. School, next year for highschool i am going to RDHSA.(longest short form you have ever seen right!) but ofcorse, 2 people i absolutley hate are going. Then aside from that Andreas my older brother goes there. And i will be in the same school as him for two/three years, he is most likly taking a fifth year, but like, also JP is going, and dont get me wrong, i am exuberant about the idea. I would love going to the same school as him, maybe we could become friends?
I dunno, but Ros and I have the best plan for the first day,
1. GO TO EVERY GR.9 AND RATE THEM!
2. Be sex-a-licious.
3. RAS.!

1.And then yeah, i dunno, but no one can mess with that plan. She said to me that she said to JP that she invited him to hang out with us on the first day, at first i was like oh shit no, but now im like YEAH! but then Micheal said to Ros that he's not, but Micheal, if you make him not hang out with that group or me, i will shove a dildo up your ass till it bleeds.
Im sorry, that was a bit harsh, but seriously, fuck off.
No i love you (frienddddd)

2. I think i like this guy, but like i have said, i cant find it in me to let go of JP. this is like just as bad as the Nate thing, i liked him till december 23rd.
and its like fuck much?
And then i dont want to make any sudden moves with the guy, like people say he likes me to, but if he doesnt, im not ready to go through this shit again, and like it sounds like im talking like i know what it it like to be in a relationship, in actuality i have been on 2 dates in my life, and trust me my first date was with gag gag gag NATE. then second was with sigh... Justin Platnar.
And then i really dont want to go through another regret.

3.My family is so stupid, without my mom here it feels like i might as well be dead, i dont want to show the pain in how much i miss her each day, i just dont want to show anyone, i know they will atomaticaly think differently or be all "im sorry, i know you must miss her, i know how you feel/" BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW HOW IT FUCKING FEELS TO HAVE YOUR MOTHER NOT HERE ANYMORE?
no you dont, and if you did, you didnt know my mother, she was the most amazing person i would have ever met, she sang, she was an author she drew she was an actress. she was everything, it sounds cheesy to say this, but she was like my role model, and then to have her gone, not to see her ever again, how would you feel if this happend to you. :
It is the best literaly the best day at school you have ever had, then your teacher comes up to you and says your dad is comming to pick you up to take you somewhere.
Then your once best friend Aidan Chee comes up to you and says when you come back can you buy me somecandy, and yousay why dont i just get you some when im out then i'll give it to you tomorrow or something. But then when you get in your dads car he says "your aunt sharron called and said that this will be the last time you'll be able to see your mother."
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? then once you get to the hospital you just think about the night before, your at your dads house, on the phone not wanting your dad to hear what your saying because you think he will get mad at you, i didnt even say i love you to my mother, and then it was the last time i heard her voice, and i didnt even say i love you, then when you get to the hospital she is basically a vegtibal.
She can hear you, or so they say, but they cant say anything to you back.
not one measly word.
If i could i would go back in time, and i would have spent much much more time with her.
I just wish that she knew, every good thing i do is for her, and everytime i do something bad, its basically my cry for her.

What has our world come to?

So today i had breakfast with my brother Nik.
It was fun. Except i was like EERR.
And then after, i went shopping with Ros. That was really fun too :)
I was just thinking about stuff.
Becuase after all that i went to Kara's house, and i was walking home, walking so fast that i might as well be running. When i realized that our world has become a place of slaughters and cereal killers. I dont know why, but i cant sleep, or walk anywhere without thinking somewhere in this world someone is suffering.
We dont realize how good we have it. And when the slightest thing goes wrong we just put everything on hold and, more like we put our needs infront of everyone else's and then we act like its bigger than the biggest world matters.
Like look back a couple years ago to "The Strangers".
A couple left a wedding early because the guy proposed to a girl and she said no... they left there friends most happy day, because one thing went wrong.
Then, they get killed. That could have happened to anyone.
But ofcorse it had to happen to them.
I feel fortunate to not of had that happen to me. Well obviously.
But then, im making a T.V refferance, but like the show Dexter.
The guys a cereal killer. But he only kills the bad people.
And i know there is never an excuse to kill. And even in his case, killing the people who killed the inocent.
And then these guys, the strangers,
they didnt even know these people, they made the man KILL his own brother, how would you feel if you killed your own brother?
I would hate myself forever if i killed anyone, let alone my own brother.
But the thing that i find worst of all, is that these people torchered the guy and girl before they killed them, like, stalking them IN THERE OWN HOME, watching the movie, learning more on it, it just would be a terrible way to die,
i think the only way i would feel good about dieing is saving someone else's life in the making of my dieing... does that make sense?
I dunno.
But to me it does, if anyone even follows this then i probably sound like a complete and total retard.

Well. if i were to choose the way i were to die, i would want to die either by getting hit my an ambulance, seriously, it would be the most ironic thing in the world. And it would just be fucking hilarious. Well no, dieing period is not really a funny subject, having someone close to myself lost, its a terrible feeling, i know by missing my mom... it makes me just want to curl up into a ball and never move from it.

But the reason why i was thinking of the strangers is that when i was walking home i just... well i just keep imagining them, well the daughter from the strangers beeing in my drive way, or just on the other end of the side walk.
Well, i saw the movie in October, and i still cant sleep. its not even that it was scary, even though it was! its because its a true story, and this could happen to anyone.
But looking back on the night watching, at Ben's house, and i was screaming a lot, and the one time i didnt scream and someone else did, everyone was like SHUT-UP ALLIE! and i was like, its not me!
Turns out it was Henry.

when it all falls apart.

Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
-The Veronicas

No

OK.
well...
I AM IN ROSEDALEEEEE!
im so happy...
but highschool with my bro..
I will love to see how that plays out.
HAVE YOU GUYS REALIZED HOW FUCKED UP THE VIDEO FOR A THOUSAND MILES IS?!
Well. My brother just came up to my room. FUCKING POUNDING HIS FEET ON THE STAIRS. and then he says ever so sweetly. "do you know hat a fucknig door is for?" like seriously. Dnt even fuck with me right now. i am about to crack, i swear to god, i am not playing "nice" happy allie anymore. i am fed up. and i am abotu to burst. i hate my self.
i really do. i hate myself

origanal..? dedicated to him...

OK. well this is an origanal song.
I have writen a lot. but all of them are really bad,
this one is also kind of well..
shit.
what havei done, it sounds shit. well yeah. its about person.

Verse 1

I heard about you before,
But i didnt listen.
I fell to fast.
And then you left
i was here all alone,
waiting for you to come back,
i know your not,
but i cant find it in myself
to move on.

chorus

from the moment we met,
i knew there was something.
i saw you,
and never wanted you to go,
i saw his face,
and thats when i knew that when i always fall.
its never in love

verse 2

i never thought it would end liek this
i cant believe that you would be the one to do this
i thought you were different
but it turns out your just like all the rest.

chorus

verse 3

i cant sleep at night,
im tossing and turning
i feel sick inside
when you left it feels like i've died.
you made me feel so alive then when you left i knew i should
hide.

chorus.

Depressed.

Ok.
So todaym Charlotte and i were having a bagel at Tim Hortonts. And we saw a model having a photo shoot out side.
And just looking at her body i was like. Holy crap. im a fatty. im sitting in a place eating fat food. and there is this really skinny girl taking pictures.
I want to be a model so i have an excuse not to eat. because right now if i do, people will think im stupid. But after Charlotte and i crossed the street, and i went up to her and asked her wha it was like to be a model, and how she enjoys it.
And it seems likecool?
Like i would never be skinny enough to be a model.
But i really want to be.
Tomorrow i am going to my "friend" Bonnies school... Justin also goes there, and thats really the reason why i am going. im not like creepy stalker girl.
but in the words of taylor swift. "i dont want to loose your face, i dont want to wake up one day and not remember what time erased, cause im not scared of what love gave me and took away, i dont want to loose your face."
I was on the phone with Bonnie like an hour or so ago and i was fucking crying. i was trying so hard not to. Like i went out once with this guy, but its one of those things where your like, oh crap i really like this guy. And you just cant let them go.
I want to not like him. But i just cant find it in myself to just let him go.
Its like the hole Nate situation. Except ew god that was Nate.
Like i can list all the factors that went wrong with Nate and then compare them with Justin.
NATE:
1. he was really odd?
2. too short.
3. he was "lame"
4.... ugly.

Justin:
.....
i cant fucking think of anything,
GAH,
i want this to be over with.
Just like shoot me... okay?
Seriously. i cant stand liking him. First off i havent talked to him in a while. But i was having a sleepover with Molly yesterday, and i was on her account and i added him. and i talked to him on her account. but then when she started talking to him she sounded liek she was going to like rape him or something, the only thing i said was do you like the clash and the ramones.
I have the meeting tomorrow.
Im really nerves,
like many people have pointed this out to me....
i am not to great with the words.
And when i cant think of anything to say... i just start screaming,
like in gym class..
i shot the basketball at the net, and Matthew walked under it as soon as i shot it adn then i couldnt think of anything to say so i just statrted screaming.
I SUCK.
Seriously i hate my life.
I talked to Laura today,
Laura is the only person i can talk to,
she is my bestie in the whole world :)
She said she doesnt wantt to go to Rosedale.
But she is applying to Jarvis :)
I really just want to curl up in a ball and like
stay there for the rest of my life and never leave it or wake up.
Sometimes life can be so great, but then when you actually want something, you realize your life just sucks.
Well this is an uber long post i guess.
Longer than most of them lol.
I miss my mom...
And its really hard for me to say that. like honestly. i never tell it to anyone.
not even laura. i tell laura everything.
and i miss my mom so much.
when i got my acceptance letters to the high schools. i was like so depressed,
because my mom would have wanted to be there
to see me off to high school.
But then like.
okay. there are so many reasons why i do this.
but honestly i cry myself to sleep most nights.
Because of her, and because of said person.
Well im going to go finish my homework then take a shower then sleep
love Allie :(

:( ANOTHER FUCKING DEPRESSED POST

OK, well right now.
I ma still fucknig pissed off about this guy,.
He likes this girl. and yesterday when she told me and i was crying, she didnt give a flying crap.
And if the guy she likes came up to her and said i dont want to date you, she would make this big scene about it, and make everyone be like, omg your such a dick for not liking her.
And this guy doesnt like me. liek its his choice i dont care. i'd rather him be happy without me then pissed with me.
I just hate likeing people, especially this guy, without them liking me back.
I want to stop STOP liking him. i havent talked to him in so long. Well like
i dunno, i want to like, GAR.
I might aswell be like dead.
I feel like i am. i just want to be alone, and i want to be like
god just kill me.
Im not an Emo little shit.
I am usually a really happy person.
I god a fricken C on a french test.
BECAUSE IM UPSET ABOUT A GUY,
A GUY IS GETTING TO MY GRADES.
IM LETTING THIS RUIN MY LIFE.

Masks.

Theres so much about him that i can say,
But im not going to say anything.
Its hard to explain,
i could tell you all the things i love about him,
but the list would be to long.
So i'll make a list of what i dont like,
its only one thing,
There the only words i know i cant fight.

I love you,
i dont want to.
I know im stuck.
This world is holding me captive.
I dont want to be here with a guy who keeps pushing me back.
It seems like he's wearing some sort of mask.

I think ive been down this road before,
and it never ends well for the girl
I keep trying to think,
of my life before you came into it.
Seems like you wont stop,
im still waiting here,
you keep telling me things i dont want to hear.

I love you,
i dont want to.
I know im stuck.
This world is holding me captive.
I dont want to be here with a guy, who keeps pushing me back.
It seems like he is wearing some sort of mask.

I cant stop thinking of you.
I dont want to say what i know you wont,
feels like im getting played,
you one the thousand dollars,
now im back in the game.
Im no damsel in distress.
Im still going to wait,
but you wont come around, ill still be hear, when the rain starts to fall.

I love you, i dont want to.
I know im stuck
This world is holding me captive.
I dont want to be here with a guy, who keeps pushing me back.
It seems like he's wearing some kind of mask.

Friends In Love

Stop playing with my heart the way you're doing
You keep pushing me away, then your pulling me right back in
Playing these games when you know im already falling

Stop speaking through the lines and say it bluntly
tired of reading through your smiles to see the truth behind
This circle of two thats leaving me always hoping

I wait for you to come and save me
I Hope that you will come and show me
and tell me...

That you cant take me off your mind
That you were just scared to read the signs
That we could actually be something more then friends in love
Then I would tell all the things
That I have been to let you know
and we could actually be something more the friends in love

Stop making me a fool to think you need me
Stayed true to your life through the ups and downs
waiting for moments im scared might never happen

Cuz i cant stop thinking about the future
and if you cant start telling me your feelings
Im gonna have to find someone that completes me
If you wont tell me that you..
- Mia Rose

Dedicated to spiddey999

Poop spelled backwards is poop.
Well..
im really bored. Like i am tre tre tre bored avec tired.
I pushed a girl from under her chair today... and i got in a lot of trouble :S
well i dont really care, the girl was a bitch.
I have a french test on friday.
I AM GOING TO TYPE LIKE THIS NOW BECAUSE SPIDDEY999 SAID PEOPLE GET REALLY MAD, SO I AM NOW DEDICATING THIS POST TO HIM. HE ALSO SAID THAT HE WAS GOING TO TYPE LIKE THIS ON HIS BLOG JUST TO PISS PEOPLE OFF.
THATS WHY HE IS MY HERO,
IF MANY PEOPLE KNEW OF HIM, I WOULD DO HIM FOR HERO/HEROINE AT SCHOOL.
I THINK HE WOULD BE VERY HAPPY IF I DID,
BECAUSE EVERYONE WANTS TO BE A HERO, WELL AT LEAST MOST PEOPLE DO, OR SOME PART OF YOU DOES.

Im a mobile.

"Every things changing when I turn around, all out of my control im a mobile, all out of my control im a mobile, im a mobile." - Avril Lavigne.

Well Well WELL.
High School is just around the corner.
Do you know what its like to be the only one in your school to not get into the high school you want, especially if its all the same high school. I have wanted to go to this high school since i was 6 years old,
im not saying that all these other people dont deserve to get in, but still. i have wanted to go there so much longer. But if i do end up going there, C will drive me crazy, i dont even care if douchê bag is going, i will not let him ruin my high school years. I swear to god, she thinks she's perfect. And then she try's to make us think that she isnt. But god she just drives me crazyyyyyyyyyyy.

i 'd lie

"i dont think that passenger seat, has ever looked that good to me, he tells me about his night, and i, count the colors in his eyes, He'll never fall in love he swears as he runs his fingers through his hair but im laughing cause i hope hes wrong, And i could tell you, his favortie colors green, he loves to argue born on the 17th. his sisters beutiful. he has his fathers eyes, and if you ask me if i love him, I'd lie" - Taylor Swift

ok i lied.
im far from over him.
i like him still.
its not fair.
He is a bum.
but im proud that i said "dont hate the player platnar, hate the game douche bag".
Ros is over right now.
Ros is cool.
She's drawing on my arm with PERMANENT marker.
Whats her face bitch is still flirting with guys who name is just as bad as a swear word only worse.
Ok well, gottaaa go.
HEHE
fuck.

OVER IT

I AM OVER HIM!
well not completley but i am!!!
omgo mogmggggg!
i am so happy, i finally just let it go. he isnt worth it, and its okay because now i know i shouldnt have spent all that time crying over him,
No boy is worth crying over, and the ones that are wouldnt be making you cry.

EEEKK!
i am over him

"You seem too good
too good to be true

you're holding me stronger
stronger than im used to

Don't go out with the boys tonight
i won't sleep a wink
wonder what you're doing

Don't go out with the girls tonight
I will turn to drink
wonder what you're proving

You seem too good
too good to be true

I'm loving you longer
longer than I'm used to

Don't go out with the boys tonight
i won't sleep a wink
wonder what you're doing

Don't go out with the girls tonight
I will turn to drink
wonder what you're proving


Tug of War
Sweet as sin
I let go
I fell in

Feel the pull
call your name
I'm alone
once again

Tug of War
Sweet as sin
I let go
I fell in

Feel the pull
call your name
I'm alone
once again


Don't go out with the boys tonight
i won't sleep a wink
wonder what you're doing

Don't go out with the girls tonight
I will turn to drink
wonder what you're proving


Tug of War
Sweet as sin
I let go
I fell in

Feel the pull
call your name
I'm alone
once again" - carley j.


OMG
ok.
So,
i am so tired
and bored
well anyway,
i got new make up, and im getting new jeans and shirts on friday ♥!
its really boring being here alone,
i think im a go like take a bath or something to make me feel better.
GAR!
i hate this so much,
im not even sick
its him, i dont blame him, its his choice to be happy, and im actually glad.

I still have your underwear [oh yeah well uh huhuhu i still have your virginity]

ok, well im home "sick" today
i feel fine actually
but i just cant find my self happy right now.
I cant even think, its so annoying
like i feel almost over him, but then when someone just says like one thing that he would say i just cant seem to be happy.
I really like dont miss him any more,
but my friend she is such a flirt with him,
its like, okay, she loves this guy, and if i flirted with him, she would actually turn EVERYONE against me, and its like if i get mad at her, she thinks im like pissing or bitching or like blowing things out of purpotion.
But seriously.
I'm not, she and any other girl would be mad, its been like a week.
Well right now im watching Juno.

sick like a dowgg

OMG
will i ever get over him?
ITS BEEN FOREVER
well a week,
and then on friday i went to a sleep over at my best friends house and a show came on and a guy looked exactly like him, and i made her change the channel and i could tell she was sad, well, i knew she could see the sadness in me which made her sad.
any way
right now im sick :( and i have aa math test tomorrow and i havent studied so if i dont go then im missing a math test and my favorite subject none other than sex-ed!

I'm also really sad,
because one of my best friends is sad or mad or i dont know, but i know she's not happy, and then when i ask her she's just like NO IM FINE, and i know she's not, and i want to know whats wrong and i want to help her, but i cant or no one can, not even her self if she doesnt admit or let people in to help.
And I love her so much and i hate seeing her like this, especially since she's always so happy, well i dont know if shes like that on the inside but she always used to seem happy on the out side.

he is perfect.

Ok so yesterday i found out i got into one of the high schools i wanted to go to, but the thing is if i dont get into RD then im going to die, i wanted to go there since i was 7. and like seriously, its the once school i see myself at, dont get me wrong, if i dont get into that school, i will go to the school i did get into, i just would die if everyone i hate in my school got into that school instead of me, i would die, like C i love her, but she has like everything she wants, why does she want my school?
and the only problem, well its not even a problem the only thing that makes me mad, is that next year J might be going there, and that would be like fuck.. but my plan is to find an even hotter boy then him, and make out with him right infront of J, its like perfect, it took me and my friends a while to think of that. but on the plus, if we both get in we could end up going out again? well thats what i would hope, because i honestly like love him, and if i end up never talking to him again, i would die, i love LOVE him.
Ok, well
i guess
since its over between him and i i should stop liking him, and trust, i have tried so so so SO hard to stop, i tried and tried, but it doesnt work, like i said he is perfect.

Dont Forget

"Im only going to do this once so im glad its with you, you have to fall to get back up, but i wont fall after you." - Me!

Grr...
Ok so the thing is.
This guy is still playing with my emotions. and i dont want to get over him, but i really do. and it feels like if i do, then im lying to myself. But if i dont, then it feels like i might as well be dead. He was like the perfectest thing. And now he's gone, the hard thing is that, normally it would take me another guy to move on. But there are no guys to get over him with. Like, with N, it wasnt till i met J, and then i am scared that because of this reason, i will never EVER move on, i know i am saying different things with all these different posts, but like its hard. Because
i really really liked him, and i still do, but i dont know why, because i havent talked to him like forever, and like there are probably so many better girls for him.
I miss him.

I just have to forget about him, and erase her.

Ok.
So he's gone.
I know that i will never get him back.
But i still have my friends, its not even that I'm single now, i could care less if i were single, but its just that it was after the first date and he didn't really think of the possibility of a second date. well i dont know maybe he did. But he didn't ask.
I think its because one my friends is flirting with him i dont know.
But i do know it will take a while for my heart to heal, but that's ok. Because its just a guy, i will get over it. It might not feel like it now but i will. And i guess its just as long as i have my friends then i dont care what or who im dating.

I HAVE NEVER HATED ANYONE THIS MUCH

I HATED ANYONE THIS MUCH IN MY LIFE.

Sure, if you asked me yesterday i would say shei s one of my friends. But now i hate her. Its when people do things like this, she flirts with him, after she knows how much im sad about him SHE FLIRTS WITH HIM. I dont even care anymore, i will never talk to her again, i have never hated anyone this much, i should have expected this from her, she does it with everyone, and i've never relized how much it hurts now, i really want to just like poo on her.
i would think since she was my so called 'friend' she would be trying to make me happy, but no, she flirts with him, to get him with her, i swear to god if they went out id die, i could care less about her anymore, this is the first guy i LOVE THIS MUCH and she knows how much i do and she flirts, seriously its like stabbing me in my already hurt heart, she is doing this o purpose, i HATE her i know ive said that like 8 times already but seriously i have never been this mad.

I CANT GET OVER THIS.

"he see's everything black and white, never let nobody see him cry, and i dont let noday see me wishing he was mine, yes i could tell you his favorite colors green, he loves to argue, born on the 17th his sisters beutiful he has his fathers eyes, but if you ask me if i love him... i'd lie" - taylor swift.

Ok so, yesterday i had a sleepover with Kara and Ros. It was fun, but i really didnt want to show how sad i was, i feel like crap knowing i could have done somethign diffrent, but i didnt, and its annoying.
Because i never wanted any of this to happen, ifi could go back in time, i would of just not gone to the party, or even not go to my school, and transfered to a different one so i wouldnt of even met the girl who's party it was. Thats not true, i am uberly glad i came to this school, i wouldnt have met any of the friends i have now, and i love my friends dearly. But i just really would have rather not of gone to that party, or just not liked him, which is like impossible, because he was like perfect. But i dont want to talk to anyone about him, because when we 'went out' i would always talk about him, and i dont want to talk about him now because then its like ill never shut up about him, but i dont want to hold it in i keep thinking of things i could have done differently.
Its just so annoying.

A once good day, turned into the WORST day or 2009

OK
WELL THIS IS ASS...
SO THE GUY I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH JUST DUMPED ME.
Its terrible to feel like this.
And ofcorse it has to be the same day that i was going to ask him if we were ever going to go out again, but before i see he's online, he starts talking to me and says
umm... Sorry we dont seem to be getting anywhere, we had some good times, but i hope we can still be friends.
seriously.
i made a promise to my self, that if he was the one to brake it up,
then i would never go out with another guy till gr 10.
So starting tomorrow,
i will never think anything about a boy.
This just goes to show how much shit guys cause girls to have.

I cant even think of anything to say,
i havent stopped crying since he said it,
but still, am i over reacting?
I honestly dont know if i am.
Because as much as i like him,
he doesnt like me
and i knew that,
i just tried to convince myself other wise.

Ros is trying to explain to me that he's is a really big loser,
but she also told me that even before we "dated", so she isnt diong it to make me feel better. Well she is because he's a loser and i shouldnt waste my time on him.
But that will happen, i WILL waste my time on him, and its stupid because he will be off with someone else soon enough, and i will be here just sitting and waiting for things to be different.
GAHH
like i said i dont even know what to say right now,
im to depressed. and i dont even think that i deserve to of felt happy when i was with him. Because it was all to good to last.
and i dont even want to do anything anymore. Like i was going to have a sleepover tomorrow with kara, but now, i think ill just bring her down, and ooooomggggggggggg i dont even know what to say anymorrrrrrreeeee

thinking.....

mmmm..
so today i was thinking.
Why waste my time with someone who will only be with me for a little while?
Like don't get me wrong but,
i can obviously tell that he doesn't like me anymore.
Its just, that, well...
He goes to a different school than i do, and like they are so much girls that might be better for him
and i am like the type who will never stop liking someone for like ever,
it takes to long.
Like Nate. omg Nate, i liked him for the longest time,
it was actually just till the day dec 23rd. that i stopped.
And like Adrian, 3 years of my life i will never get back.
So its just like,
if i know he doesnt like me,
why do i still try
or even have these feelings, because i know that once its gone
he will never like me again.
and i dont want it to be like once we stop,
we hate each other.
But like im pretty sure no one gets it right now, or these posts dont make any sense.
Its just because i am so confused.
Like
1. I LOVE HIM
2. Does he still LIKE me? ( hense like, as in no more than a friendly crush)
3. Why bother if i know it will end badly - meaning that once its done that we like 'hate' each other.
4. I LOVE HIM
5. What if, since we go to different schools, he meets someone else he likes more
6. I LOVE HIM

i guess its pretty obvious that i love him.
But i guess thats enough,
and if he likes me than he does,
and if he doesnt... its his choice, and i cant change his mind for him.

10 reasons why i hate my life

my step mom and father are assholes
im not stupid
they just dont trust me
ABOUT ANYTHING
1. they dont want me dating because they think ill have sex with the guy.
2. they dont trust me to be alone in my room anymore because of ONE day i didnt do my home work and i went on msn... ONE DAY
3. they dont think i have any carrier options because im "stupid"
4. my dad ripped my homework.
5. my step mom acts like my mom, and she's not she cant keep acting like she is. my dad married her, that doesnt mean she's my family
6. i havent talked to like anyone normal for a trillion days
7. im losing my best friend
8. im in love with a guy who i dont even talk to. (well i do but its stupid)
9. I HATE MY FAMILY. - well only my dad and my step mom sometimes andreas but usually everyone else is good.
10. i think i should not live with these people, maybe if i didn't i would smile.

WOW.... its all my fault.

OK...
so the guy,
lets get to the guy.
When ever i talk to him everything just feels so right.
but then when i don't talk to him it makes me feel like he doesn't like me anymore. And i know that's not a good reason, but it works.
Well its not even that, its just, he used to start all the conversations we had, but now he DOESN'T. and its like, if he doesn't, then he doesn't like me.
But if i start the conversation everything just feels weird. And i love talking to him, other than a couple of my guy friends (but i mean like my good guy friends, ones that i talk to regularly), i have trouble talking to guys because its like they judge ,e so easily, and its like i have nothing to say, unless they don't mind some weird girl. But then with him, i can talk to him no problem, the first couple of times i was shaky, like i actually was shaking, and then i would ask one of my guy friends what to do, and he would tell me. But then now, he doesn't start the conversations, he is online right now but we are not talking and when we don't, i feel shitty and i write on my crap ass blog. But i don't know what to do. its like, i forced him to ask me out. because there is this guy who used to ask me out a lot. (while i was going out with the guy)and i told him that, but then he sent me a message saying
"I'm really sorry about that. I didn't ask you out because of what you said, I'm not that kind of guy. I was going to ask you out anyways and I thought that might be the right time, I really did mean that and I hope you can forgive me."
And like, the more i think about it the more i think like i forced him into something he doesn't want. and i would rather me be with out him, having him happy, then have him with me, regretting it.

What to do, What to do

Everyday it feels like its repeating its self.
I wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast then run to school.
I come home, then just come on the computer waiting for him to come online. Its sad to think that i love this guy so much, i have only gone out with him once.
I have become hopeless and when we dont talk one day i think that maybe he doesnt like me anymore, and its annoying because if he doesnt but we still talk one day, i want to bring up the option of a second date, but if he doesnt like me anymore, i would be so embarrassed.
But then if i dont, and he still does, and he's waiting for me to bring it up, and i dont, then i will be wrecking things even more, i wish i could tell him all the stuff i write down here. But the thing is if i told him anything close to what i write here, he would "scream and run away"
Its like i want him to know,
but i dont because i know he probably doesnt feel half that way i feel for him.
I really dont know if i should talk to him about a second date, or if we're still "dating", because shouldnt he just tell me if he doesnt like me anymore?
I told something just now to someone i think i shouldnt of.
I told her that if he doesnt talk to me about it, then im not going to bring it up with him. then she said and what if he doesnt?
i said, well, then, he must not like me.
And if she tells him that might start drama, and i really dont want him thinking im a drama magnet.
Because thats all that ever seems to happen when im around.

are you stupid?

So today i went to the mall with my friend. And every time i go to any mall with her something happens. Last time we saw a drag queen leprachaun. It was very weird. And then this time, her metropass wasnt working and the subway attendant called her stupid. And it makes you think that these people shouldnt be working there, being a subway attendant you are going to have to deal with people all day, and yes, sometimes it gets annoying but you cant call the people who are trusting you for safe transportation stupid. Because this girl is one of the smartest people i have ever met, and its not like he knows her, how can he call her that, im not going to lie, but when she couldnt figure out what was wrong with her metropass i was laughing histaractly. It was so funny, and then this other tried with his, and it worked, it could have just been that the card was upside down or something, but still thats no reason to call her stupid. But then once we got on the subway everything was fine, until i started laughing again, and she told me a really funny dream she had last night. Where our teacher Lynn was sprinting and then her and this kid Henry were talking and our teacher stuck out her arm and knocked him down, she didnt even stop or anything she just kept running. And i thought that this was hilarious so then when i was laughing this guy beside me was like looking at me so strange. And then also when we were about to get on to the subway i put on my new sweater (actually i put it on like ten minuites before we went on) but whille we were waiting for the subway she said "Allie, theres a sticker on your sweater" and it was the size sticker, and i was like laughing for ever because i was walking around in one of the most popular malls, and i have a sticker on my chest. It was so funny. But yeah, the subway guy shouldnt have called her stupid.

Should I Stay Or Should I GO?

Sometimes it feels like the people you are closest to, are just around you because they want something from you. Lately I've been feeling that a lot. And it feels like it wont stop. Or the people wont stop acting that way, or it seems like everyone is mad at you, or gods out to get you. And when you don't know what you have done you cant do anything to fix it, and when you ask those people who are mad at you, they just say "nothing, I'm fine really, and I'm not mad at you." And its then that you know something IS wrong. That's how you can tell when one of your friends is mad at you. You feel kind of helpless and then when you cant talk to those people that you would usually talk to, to make you feel better, they aren't around. And when they want to suddenly become friends again, you'll be to happy to stop and think if they just want something. I have a friend like that, we have been friends for 5 years, and when she started coming to my school this year, there was this group of girls that we couldn't stand. And one of them was "dating" the guy she liked, she would call me and cry to me over the phone, when two of the people from our "group" left to join them, we made a pat saying we would never join them. One day my class had a field trip and when i came back i found out that she had been hanging around with them, its not my choice to choose who people are aloud to hang out with, but she should have just admitted it then that she liked them, maybe i wouldn't be feeling like this now if she had just done it. So when i asked her she said "well i needed to take the bus with someone and they were the only people around" and then this started happening more frequently and she would stop calling me and when i would call her she would just be like sorry i got busy or i was out, but then when she started hanging out with them at school i knew things would be different. Then she started coming up to me and being like "oh my god they are so annoying." and i was thinking OK, maybe we'll start hanging out again, but then she just kept hanging around with them. So then the other day she got in a fight with them and she came up to me and said "Allie, i know i haven't been acting like your friend lately and I'm sorry i hope you can forgive me and we can still be friends" and i didn't think much of it at the time, so i said sure, then the next day she starts hanging around with them again, and i was thinking "am i just her back up?" someone she can come to when she needs something. I will always be there for her no matter what but i just want her to do the same. There will always be that connection i had with her, but i want her to acknowledge my existence when were at school, and not just text me or call me when she wants to tell me a guy likes me (honestly that's the only time she calls me or texts me) and I'm sick of it, because if i am her friend, she would still be calling me, and like i said i don't give a shit who she hangs out with, but i would like to be acknowledged and still be aloud to talk to her without feeling out of place, i was there before them, and most likely i will be there after them, but i WONT be there, until she realizes that I'm still here, its not like Ive died or anything, I'm still here. Its a different case for everyone. This girl is only my friend because she wants something from me, and its not friendship, and its not money, she wants backup. And someday, when she needs me, i wont answer the phone.

Kara bo barah fe fi fo fara kara!

Kara...
Kara is my best friend, (Its her and laura)
But she has always been there for me and i will always be there for her. When she is in a problem i will always try my best to make her happy again, she is so great, when ever im sad she she either tries to make me happy again, or she pushes me to do what i have to make myself happy again.... She always has a smile on her face, except when she frowns she does'nt. I love how we have the same taste in music, and how we always "chill" she is such a babr.. She is so funny and i love her so much!!! Kara you are the bombest. There isnt one problem that i have come to you about that you havent been able to help me with, you are so trustworthy and gorgg. I love doing the Kara and Allie show! You are so funny and beutifull.
Walking home with you is like crazy, i can tell you like everything.
Fra fra/Qwata/Babr/Tigereatingfish/Kara
i love you!

& I'll always love him...

So like i said in my first post i talked about a guy, and how much of a jerk he turned out to be. But right now, i guess I'm in a relationship that's actually working, and i haven't been this happy since gr.6 . He is so nice. I have only had one previous relationship but we only went out once, and i ended up breaking it off... After i wish i hadn't and when i met my "boy friend" everything changed, i started smiling, and feeling happy. When i broke up with the first guy, i was so sad, cried at the littlest things, one of my favorite songs i would listen to at the time i was going out with him was "Hot'n'Cold" by Katy Perry. And i went to my friends Bat mitzvah and that song came on, and i just remember breaking down and crying. And at my friend Aysha's party, i tried calling him for an hour to talk to him and try and make up. But he never answered his phone. But then, i was lucky enough to get invited to this girl Bonnie's party, her and i used to be close friends, but now not so much, but anyways, at the party there was a guy there, and i remember sitting with my friend Lindsay rating him. Asking her if she thought he was hot or not, and then the next week i get an e-mail form the girl Bonnie and she is really angry saying that he likes me to! And you could imagine me. I was so happy, but i didn't no why she was mad, it turned out she liked him to, but this time i got the guy. So i started talking to him and we went out. this guy has changed my life so much, i used to have the worst self esteem, i refused to eat, i had trouble sleeping because a few years back my mom passed away, and then having him like me proved to me that it was OK to eat, i didn't have to be skinny i just had to be me. And although the sleeping thing didn't get better, it actually got worse because i was so happy and excited. But when i did get sleep, i would have the best dreams about him. And that would make me want to sleep more. So in a way it did help me. I love talking to this guy, and even though i know things aren't going to last forever, i still have him right now. He's the hole package, he's nice, funny, smart, attractive, unlike the first guy. He was nice, but I'm not shallow enough not to like or not go out with someone because of what they look like. I have been put in that spot before and it doesn't feel good. But i am so grateful to this guy, he has awakened me and has made me feel like its alright to just be me.
He has proved to me that it is possible to love someone, even at such a young age. He has shown me that its OK to be happy even though she's gone. He has made me see that no matter what there will always be apart of me that will love him forever.
I will always love him.