I miss her.

I am so confused.
I like dont even know what I am doing anymore.
I AM SO CONFUESED.
about everything,
1.School.
2.Boys.(who the fuck gives a shit about that anymore)
3.My family.
4. GRR.

1. School, next year for highschool i am going to RDHSA.(longest short form you have ever seen right!) but ofcorse, 2 people i absolutley hate are going. Then aside from that Andreas my older brother goes there. And i will be in the same school as him for two/three years, he is most likly taking a fifth year, but like, also JP is going, and dont get me wrong, i am exuberant about the idea. I would love going to the same school as him, maybe we could become friends?
I dunno, but Ros and I have the best plan for the first day,
1. GO TO EVERY GR.9 AND RATE THEM!
2. Be sex-a-licious.
3. RAS.!

1.And then yeah, i dunno, but no one can mess with that plan. She said to me that she said to JP that she invited him to hang out with us on the first day, at first i was like oh shit no, but now im like YEAH! but then Micheal said to Ros that he's not, but Micheal, if you make him not hang out with that group or me, i will shove a dildo up your ass till it bleeds.
Im sorry, that was a bit harsh, but seriously, fuck off.
No i love you (frienddddd)

2. I think i like this guy, but like i have said, i cant find it in me to let go of JP. this is like just as bad as the Nate thing, i liked him till december 23rd.
and its like fuck much?
And then i dont want to make any sudden moves with the guy, like people say he likes me to, but if he doesnt, im not ready to go through this shit again, and like it sounds like im talking like i know what it it like to be in a relationship, in actuality i have been on 2 dates in my life, and trust me my first date was with gag gag gag NATE. then second was with sigh... Justin Platnar.
And then i really dont want to go through another regret.

3.My family is so stupid, without my mom here it feels like i might as well be dead, i dont want to show the pain in how much i miss her each day, i just dont want to show anyone, i know they will atomaticaly think differently or be all "im sorry, i know you must miss her, i know how you feel/" BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW HOW IT FUCKING FEELS TO HAVE YOUR MOTHER NOT HERE ANYMORE?
no you dont, and if you did, you didnt know my mother, she was the most amazing person i would have ever met, she sang, she was an author she drew she was an actress. she was everything, it sounds cheesy to say this, but she was like my role model, and then to have her gone, not to see her ever again, how would you feel if this happend to you. :
It is the best literaly the best day at school you have ever had, then your teacher comes up to you and says your dad is comming to pick you up to take you somewhere.
Then your once best friend Aidan Chee comes up to you and says when you come back can you buy me somecandy, and yousay why dont i just get you some when im out then i'll give it to you tomorrow or something. But then when you get in your dads car he says "your aunt sharron called and said that this will be the last time you'll be able to see your mother."
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? then once you get to the hospital you just think about the night before, your at your dads house, on the phone not wanting your dad to hear what your saying because you think he will get mad at you, i didnt even say i love you to my mother, and then it was the last time i heard her voice, and i didnt even say i love you, then when you get to the hospital she is basically a vegtibal.
She can hear you, or so they say, but they cant say anything to you back.
not one measly word.
If i could i would go back in time, and i would have spent much much more time with her.
I just wish that she knew, every good thing i do is for her, and everytime i do something bad, its basically my cry for her.