A once good day, turned into the WORST day or 2009

OK
WELL THIS IS ASS...
SO THE GUY I HAVE BEEN IN LOVE WITH JUST DUMPED ME.
Its terrible to feel like this.
And ofcorse it has to be the same day that i was going to ask him if we were ever going to go out again, but before i see he's online, he starts talking to me and says
umm... Sorry we dont seem to be getting anywhere, we had some good times, but i hope we can still be friends.
seriously.
i made a promise to my self, that if he was the one to brake it up,
then i would never go out with another guy till gr 10.
So starting tomorrow,
i will never think anything about a boy.
This just goes to show how much shit guys cause girls to have.

I cant even think of anything to say,
i havent stopped crying since he said it,
but still, am i over reacting?
I honestly dont know if i am.
Because as much as i like him,
he doesnt like me
and i knew that,
i just tried to convince myself other wise.

Ros is trying to explain to me that he's is a really big loser,
but she also told me that even before we "dated", so she isnt diong it to make me feel better. Well she is because he's a loser and i shouldnt waste my time on him.
But that will happen, i WILL waste my time on him, and its stupid because he will be off with someone else soon enough, and i will be here just sitting and waiting for things to be different.
GAHH
like i said i dont even know what to say right now,
im to depressed. and i dont even think that i deserve to of felt happy when i was with him. Because it was all to good to last.
and i dont even want to do anything anymore. Like i was going to have a sleepover tomorrow with kara, but now, i think ill just bring her down, and ooooomggggggggggg i dont even know what to say anymorrrrrrreeeee

thinking.....

mmmm..
so today i was thinking.
Why waste my time with someone who will only be with me for a little while?
Like don't get me wrong but,
i can obviously tell that he doesn't like me anymore.
Its just, that, well...
He goes to a different school than i do, and like they are so much girls that might be better for him
and i am like the type who will never stop liking someone for like ever,
it takes to long.
Like Nate. omg Nate, i liked him for the longest time,
it was actually just till the day dec 23rd. that i stopped.
And like Adrian, 3 years of my life i will never get back.
So its just like,
if i know he doesnt like me,
why do i still try
or even have these feelings, because i know that once its gone
he will never like me again.
and i dont want it to be like once we stop,
we hate each other.
But like im pretty sure no one gets it right now, or these posts dont make any sense.
Its just because i am so confused.
Like
1. I LOVE HIM
2. Does he still LIKE me? ( hense like, as in no more than a friendly crush)
3. Why bother if i know it will end badly - meaning that once its done that we like 'hate' each other.
4. I LOVE HIM
5. What if, since we go to different schools, he meets someone else he likes more
6. I LOVE HIM

i guess its pretty obvious that i love him.
But i guess thats enough,
and if he likes me than he does,
and if he doesnt... its his choice, and i cant change his mind for him.

10 reasons why i hate my life

my step mom and father are assholes
im not stupid
they just dont trust me
ABOUT ANYTHING
1. they dont want me dating because they think ill have sex with the guy.
2. they dont trust me to be alone in my room anymore because of ONE day i didnt do my home work and i went on msn... ONE DAY
3. they dont think i have any carrier options because im "stupid"
4. my dad ripped my homework.
5. my step mom acts like my mom, and she's not she cant keep acting like she is. my dad married her, that doesnt mean she's my family
6. i havent talked to like anyone normal for a trillion days
7. im losing my best friend
8. im in love with a guy who i dont even talk to. (well i do but its stupid)
9. I HATE MY FAMILY. - well only my dad and my step mom sometimes andreas but usually everyone else is good.
10. i think i should not live with these people, maybe if i didn't i would smile.

WOW.... its all my fault.

OK...
so the guy,
lets get to the guy.
When ever i talk to him everything just feels so right.
but then when i don't talk to him it makes me feel like he doesn't like me anymore. And i know that's not a good reason, but it works.
Well its not even that, its just, he used to start all the conversations we had, but now he DOESN'T. and its like, if he doesn't, then he doesn't like me.
But if i start the conversation everything just feels weird. And i love talking to him, other than a couple of my guy friends (but i mean like my good guy friends, ones that i talk to regularly), i have trouble talking to guys because its like they judge ,e so easily, and its like i have nothing to say, unless they don't mind some weird girl. But then with him, i can talk to him no problem, the first couple of times i was shaky, like i actually was shaking, and then i would ask one of my guy friends what to do, and he would tell me. But then now, he doesn't start the conversations, he is online right now but we are not talking and when we don't, i feel shitty and i write on my crap ass blog. But i don't know what to do. its like, i forced him to ask me out. because there is this guy who used to ask me out a lot. (while i was going out with the guy)and i told him that, but then he sent me a message saying
"I'm really sorry about that. I didn't ask you out because of what you said, I'm not that kind of guy. I was going to ask you out anyways and I thought that might be the right time, I really did mean that and I hope you can forgive me."
And like, the more i think about it the more i think like i forced him into something he doesn't want. and i would rather me be with out him, having him happy, then have him with me, regretting it.

What to do, What to do

Everyday it feels like its repeating its self.
I wake up, get dressed, eat breakfast then run to school.
I come home, then just come on the computer waiting for him to come online. Its sad to think that i love this guy so much, i have only gone out with him once.
I have become hopeless and when we dont talk one day i think that maybe he doesnt like me anymore, and its annoying because if he doesnt but we still talk one day, i want to bring up the option of a second date, but if he doesnt like me anymore, i would be so embarrassed.
But then if i dont, and he still does, and he's waiting for me to bring it up, and i dont, then i will be wrecking things even more, i wish i could tell him all the stuff i write down here. But the thing is if i told him anything close to what i write here, he would "scream and run away"
Its like i want him to know,
but i dont because i know he probably doesnt feel half that way i feel for him.
I really dont know if i should talk to him about a second date, or if we're still "dating", because shouldnt he just tell me if he doesnt like me anymore?
I told something just now to someone i think i shouldnt of.
I told her that if he doesnt talk to me about it, then im not going to bring it up with him. then she said and what if he doesnt?
i said, well, then, he must not like me.
And if she tells him that might start drama, and i really dont want him thinking im a drama magnet.
Because thats all that ever seems to happen when im around.

are you stupid?

So today i went to the mall with my friend. And every time i go to any mall with her something happens. Last time we saw a drag queen leprachaun. It was very weird. And then this time, her metropass wasnt working and the subway attendant called her stupid. And it makes you think that these people shouldnt be working there, being a subway attendant you are going to have to deal with people all day, and yes, sometimes it gets annoying but you cant call the people who are trusting you for safe transportation stupid. Because this girl is one of the smartest people i have ever met, and its not like he knows her, how can he call her that, im not going to lie, but when she couldnt figure out what was wrong with her metropass i was laughing histaractly. It was so funny, and then this other tried with his, and it worked, it could have just been that the card was upside down or something, but still thats no reason to call her stupid. But then once we got on the subway everything was fine, until i started laughing again, and she told me a really funny dream she had last night. Where our teacher Lynn was sprinting and then her and this kid Henry were talking and our teacher stuck out her arm and knocked him down, she didnt even stop or anything she just kept running. And i thought that this was hilarious so then when i was laughing this guy beside me was like looking at me so strange. And then also when we were about to get on to the subway i put on my new sweater (actually i put it on like ten minuites before we went on) but whille we were waiting for the subway she said "Allie, theres a sticker on your sweater" and it was the size sticker, and i was like laughing for ever because i was walking around in one of the most popular malls, and i have a sticker on my chest. It was so funny. But yeah, the subway guy shouldnt have called her stupid.

Should I Stay Or Should I GO?

Sometimes it feels like the people you are closest to, are just around you because they want something from you. Lately I've been feeling that a lot. And it feels like it wont stop. Or the people wont stop acting that way, or it seems like everyone is mad at you, or gods out to get you. And when you don't know what you have done you cant do anything to fix it, and when you ask those people who are mad at you, they just say "nothing, I'm fine really, and I'm not mad at you." And its then that you know something IS wrong. That's how you can tell when one of your friends is mad at you. You feel kind of helpless and then when you cant talk to those people that you would usually talk to, to make you feel better, they aren't around. And when they want to suddenly become friends again, you'll be to happy to stop and think if they just want something. I have a friend like that, we have been friends for 5 years, and when she started coming to my school this year, there was this group of girls that we couldn't stand. And one of them was "dating" the guy she liked, she would call me and cry to me over the phone, when two of the people from our "group" left to join them, we made a pat saying we would never join them. One day my class had a field trip and when i came back i found out that she had been hanging around with them, its not my choice to choose who people are aloud to hang out with, but she should have just admitted it then that she liked them, maybe i wouldn't be feeling like this now if she had just done it. So when i asked her she said "well i needed to take the bus with someone and they were the only people around" and then this started happening more frequently and she would stop calling me and when i would call her she would just be like sorry i got busy or i was out, but then when she started hanging out with them at school i knew things would be different. Then she started coming up to me and being like "oh my god they are so annoying." and i was thinking OK, maybe we'll start hanging out again, but then she just kept hanging around with them. So then the other day she got in a fight with them and she came up to me and said "Allie, i know i haven't been acting like your friend lately and I'm sorry i hope you can forgive me and we can still be friends" and i didn't think much of it at the time, so i said sure, then the next day she starts hanging around with them again, and i was thinking "am i just her back up?" someone she can come to when she needs something. I will always be there for her no matter what but i just want her to do the same. There will always be that connection i had with her, but i want her to acknowledge my existence when were at school, and not just text me or call me when she wants to tell me a guy likes me (honestly that's the only time she calls me or texts me) and I'm sick of it, because if i am her friend, she would still be calling me, and like i said i don't give a shit who she hangs out with, but i would like to be acknowledged and still be aloud to talk to her without feeling out of place, i was there before them, and most likely i will be there after them, but i WONT be there, until she realizes that I'm still here, its not like Ive died or anything, I'm still here. Its a different case for everyone. This girl is only my friend because she wants something from me, and its not friendship, and its not money, she wants backup. And someday, when she needs me, i wont answer the phone.

Kara bo barah fe fi fo fara kara!

Kara...
Kara is my best friend, (Its her and laura)
But she has always been there for me and i will always be there for her. When she is in a problem i will always try my best to make her happy again, she is so great, when ever im sad she she either tries to make me happy again, or she pushes me to do what i have to make myself happy again.... She always has a smile on her face, except when she frowns she does'nt. I love how we have the same taste in music, and how we always "chill" she is such a babr.. She is so funny and i love her so much!!! Kara you are the bombest. There isnt one problem that i have come to you about that you havent been able to help me with, you are so trustworthy and gorgg. I love doing the Kara and Allie show! You are so funny and beutifull.
Walking home with you is like crazy, i can tell you like everything.
Fra fra/Qwata/Babr/Tigereatingfish/Kara
i love you!

& I'll always love him...

So like i said in my first post i talked about a guy, and how much of a jerk he turned out to be. But right now, i guess I'm in a relationship that's actually working, and i haven't been this happy since gr.6 . He is so nice. I have only had one previous relationship but we only went out once, and i ended up breaking it off... After i wish i hadn't and when i met my "boy friend" everything changed, i started smiling, and feeling happy. When i broke up with the first guy, i was so sad, cried at the littlest things, one of my favorite songs i would listen to at the time i was going out with him was "Hot'n'Cold" by Katy Perry. And i went to my friends Bat mitzvah and that song came on, and i just remember breaking down and crying. And at my friend Aysha's party, i tried calling him for an hour to talk to him and try and make up. But he never answered his phone. But then, i was lucky enough to get invited to this girl Bonnie's party, her and i used to be close friends, but now not so much, but anyways, at the party there was a guy there, and i remember sitting with my friend Lindsay rating him. Asking her if she thought he was hot or not, and then the next week i get an e-mail form the girl Bonnie and she is really angry saying that he likes me to! And you could imagine me. I was so happy, but i didn't no why she was mad, it turned out she liked him to, but this time i got the guy. So i started talking to him and we went out. this guy has changed my life so much, i used to have the worst self esteem, i refused to eat, i had trouble sleeping because a few years back my mom passed away, and then having him like me proved to me that it was OK to eat, i didn't have to be skinny i just had to be me. And although the sleeping thing didn't get better, it actually got worse because i was so happy and excited. But when i did get sleep, i would have the best dreams about him. And that would make me want to sleep more. So in a way it did help me. I love talking to this guy, and even though i know things aren't going to last forever, i still have him right now. He's the hole package, he's nice, funny, smart, attractive, unlike the first guy. He was nice, but I'm not shallow enough not to like or not go out with someone because of what they look like. I have been put in that spot before and it doesn't feel good. But i am so grateful to this guy, he has awakened me and has made me feel like its alright to just be me.
He has proved to me that it is possible to love someone, even at such a young age. He has shown me that its OK to be happy even though she's gone. He has made me see that no matter what there will always be apart of me that will love him forever.
I will always love him.

My First Love

I may only be a thirteen year old girl. But I have a big heart. And that's all you really need when you love someone as much as i loved him, I knew him since i was in JK but then we turned out to be good friends till gr.6 ( till we graduated elementary school). But then we started out going to different junior high schools. When we started out he was going to the school I really wanted to go to. I have had a crush on him since i was in gr.5 he might have had an influence on what school i wanted to go to. But, when i went to a different school, i got "bullied". And had the opportunity of switching to his school. I graciously took the offer and switched. But when i got there all was far from perfect. One of my best friends today liked him, and he liked her. Things had changed since gr.6... He had changed. When it got down to it, i really should have just been brave enough to talk to him right away on my first day, but know, i waited for him to make the first move. So i waited and waited for a month. But things weren't moving. So when i finally got the courage up to talk to him. It had been to late. He had changed to much for me to even know who he was. And its still like that today. I no longer have this major massive love fling going for him but, there is a part of me that will always remember things as they used to be, like they were when we were younger. He went out with 4 of my best friends in the time i liked him. The first was my friend Molly, she didn't really like him, but he had liked her since gr3 so she gave him a chance when he was in gr 6 and she was in gr 5. Then next was another one of my friends Elsa. She and him had liked each other for a month before they started dating, and everyone new it would happen, this one had More of an impact on me, Elsa was one of my "main group" friends. We would do everything with each other, but then she started dating him (she was also in gr 5 when he was in gr 6) and then they broke up, she says it was because of me, and she knew i liked him, she can say what she believes but i know that wasn't it. And she still hangs it over me, like it was my decision whether she should of broken up with him or not. Then it was Charlotte. And i wasn't really at this middle school at the time, but today Charlotte and i are great friends. And then last, it was the last, i would rather not say, because she is to great to have her name next to his, but she and him went out for a long time, longer than any of his other relationships. But then he had to go and be stupid and be a jerk and break up with her. But even now, I can see that he just will flirt with anyone to get them to like him and then once they do, he rips the rug from under them and goes out with someone who doesn't even know him, or he will go out with a jerk, and then they each deserve each other, but all i can remember about him now is that, my friend Elsa i told you about, she liked him at the beginning of this year and then he broke her heart and said he wouldn't hang out with her because he was going out with this girl Ellen, and my friend Elsa broke down crying over the phone, and told me everything she hated about the school, and the only reason she could come up with is him dating her, but now she has changed and has become one of them, a jerk. She has joined the people she said she never would have, but that's her decision. I'm not going to chose who she can hang out with and who she cant. But i just hope she knows, that when they turn there backs on her, just like he did on me, i wont be there, i have been there for her to much, just like i was there for him.
We had all been through some good times and some bad. But right now. I'm glad that I'm not talking to either of them, because without them... I'm better off. and i would rather have lost two friends, then be living in a lie. Which all that was, just one big barrel of lies.

-- Allie Sophia.