Depressed.

Ok.
So todaym Charlotte and i were having a bagel at Tim Hortonts. And we saw a model having a photo shoot out side.
And just looking at her body i was like. Holy crap. im a fatty. im sitting in a place eating fat food. and there is this really skinny girl taking pictures.
I want to be a model so i have an excuse not to eat. because right now if i do, people will think im stupid. But after Charlotte and i crossed the street, and i went up to her and asked her wha it was like to be a model, and how she enjoys it.
And it seems likecool?
Like i would never be skinny enough to be a model.
But i really want to be.
Tomorrow i am going to my "friend" Bonnies school... Justin also goes there, and thats really the reason why i am going. im not like creepy stalker girl.
but in the words of taylor swift. "i dont want to loose your face, i dont want to wake up one day and not remember what time erased, cause im not scared of what love gave me and took away, i dont want to loose your face."
I was on the phone with Bonnie like an hour or so ago and i was fucking crying. i was trying so hard not to. Like i went out once with this guy, but its one of those things where your like, oh crap i really like this guy. And you just cant let them go.
I want to not like him. But i just cant find it in myself to just let him go.
Its like the hole Nate situation. Except ew god that was Nate.
Like i can list all the factors that went wrong with Nate and then compare them with Justin.
NATE:
1. he was really odd?
2. too short.
3. he was "lame"
4.... ugly.

Justin:
.....
i cant fucking think of anything,
GAH,
i want this to be over with.
Just like shoot me... okay?
Seriously. i cant stand liking him. First off i havent talked to him in a while. But i was having a sleepover with Molly yesterday, and i was on her account and i added him. and i talked to him on her account. but then when she started talking to him she sounded liek she was going to like rape him or something, the only thing i said was do you like the clash and the ramones.
I have the meeting tomorrow.
Im really nerves,
like many people have pointed this out to me....
i am not to great with the words.
And when i cant think of anything to say... i just start screaming,
like in gym class..
i shot the basketball at the net, and Matthew walked under it as soon as i shot it adn then i couldnt think of anything to say so i just statrted screaming.
I SUCK.
Seriously i hate my life.
I talked to Laura today,
Laura is the only person i can talk to,
she is my bestie in the whole world :)
She said she doesnt wantt to go to Rosedale.
But she is applying to Jarvis :)
I really just want to curl up in a ball and like
stay there for the rest of my life and never leave it or wake up.
Sometimes life can be so great, but then when you actually want something, you realize your life just sucks.
Well this is an uber long post i guess.
Longer than most of them lol.
I miss my mom...
And its really hard for me to say that. like honestly. i never tell it to anyone.
not even laura. i tell laura everything.
and i miss my mom so much.
when i got my acceptance letters to the high schools. i was like so depressed,
because my mom would have wanted to be there
to see me off to high school.
But then like.
okay. there are so many reasons why i do this.
but honestly i cry myself to sleep most nights.
Because of her, and because of said person.
Well im going to go finish my homework then take a shower then sleep
love Allie :(