Conclusions.
If you love someone- tell them
if someone hits you- hit them back
Who am I? I am who I say I am, and tomorrow, i can be someone entirely different.
Sometimes we know we shouldnt but thats exactly why we do.
Always forgive your enimies, nothing annoys them more.
Dont put off things for tomorrow, when you can avoid it forever.
Kid, you failed horribly, the lesson is never try.
If being sane is thinking theres something wrong with being different I'd rather be completley fucking mental.
When your right, no one remembers, when your wrong, no one forgets.
The difference between genius and stupidity is genius has its limits.
I dont care what you think of me... because it couldnt be half as bad as what i think of you.
Remember: Ametuers built the Ark and Proffecianals built the Titanic.
Low riders are for little boys who cant get them up.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
I miss her.
I am so confused.
I like dont even know what I am doing anymore.
I AM SO CONFUESED.
about everything,
1.School.
2.Boys.(who the fuck gives a shit about that anymore)
3.My family.
4. GRR.
1. School, next year for highschool i am going to RDHSA.(longest short form you have ever seen right!) but ofcorse, 2 people i absolutley hate are going. Then aside from that Andreas my older brother goes there. And i will be in the same school as him for two/three years, he is most likly taking a fifth year, but like, also JP is going, and dont get me wrong, i am exuberant about the idea. I would love going to the same school as him, maybe we could become friends?
I dunno, but Ros and I have the best plan for the first day,
1. GO TO EVERY GR.9 AND RATE THEM!
2. Be sex-a-licious.
3. RAS.!
1.And then yeah, i dunno, but no one can mess with that plan. She said to me that she said to JP that she invited him to hang out with us on the first day, at first i was like oh shit no, but now im like YEAH! but then Micheal said to Ros that he's not, but Micheal, if you make him not hang out with that group or me, i will shove a dildo up your ass till it bleeds.
Im sorry, that was a bit harsh, but seriously, fuck off.
No i love you (frienddddd)
2. I think i like this guy, but like i have said, i cant find it in me to let go of JP. this is like just as bad as the Nate thing, i liked him till december 23rd.
and its like fuck much?
And then i dont want to make any sudden moves with the guy, like people say he likes me to, but if he doesnt, im not ready to go through this shit again, and like it sounds like im talking like i know what it it like to be in a relationship, in actuality i have been on 2 dates in my life, and trust me my first date was with gag gag gag NATE. then second was with sigh... Justin Platnar.
And then i really dont want to go through another regret.
3.My family is so stupid, without my mom here it feels like i might as well be dead, i dont want to show the pain in how much i miss her each day, i just dont want to show anyone, i know they will atomaticaly think differently or be all "im sorry, i know you must miss her, i know how you feel/" BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW HOW IT FUCKING FEELS TO HAVE YOUR MOTHER NOT HERE ANYMORE?
no you dont, and if you did, you didnt know my mother, she was the most amazing person i would have ever met, she sang, she was an author she drew she was an actress. she was everything, it sounds cheesy to say this, but she was like my role model, and then to have her gone, not to see her ever again, how would you feel if this happend to you. :
It is the best literaly the best day at school you have ever had, then your teacher comes up to you and says your dad is comming to pick you up to take you somewhere.
Then your once best friend Aidan Chee comes up to you and says when you come back can you buy me somecandy, and yousay why dont i just get you some when im out then i'll give it to you tomorrow or something. But then when you get in your dads car he says "your aunt sharron called and said that this will be the last time you'll be able to see your mother."
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? then once you get to the hospital you just think about the night before, your at your dads house, on the phone not wanting your dad to hear what your saying because you think he will get mad at you, i didnt even say i love you to my mother, and then it was the last time i heard her voice, and i didnt even say i love you, then when you get to the hospital she is basically a vegtibal.
She can hear you, or so they say, but they cant say anything to you back.
not one measly word.
If i could i would go back in time, and i would have spent much much more time with her.
I just wish that she knew, every good thing i do is for her, and everytime i do something bad, its basically my cry for her.
I like dont even know what I am doing anymore.
I AM SO CONFUESED.
about everything,
1.School.
2.Boys.(who the fuck gives a shit about that anymore)
3.My family.
4. GRR.
1. School, next year for highschool i am going to RDHSA.(longest short form you have ever seen right!) but ofcorse, 2 people i absolutley hate are going. Then aside from that Andreas my older brother goes there. And i will be in the same school as him for two/three years, he is most likly taking a fifth year, but like, also JP is going, and dont get me wrong, i am exuberant about the idea. I would love going to the same school as him, maybe we could become friends?
I dunno, but Ros and I have the best plan for the first day,
1. GO TO EVERY GR.9 AND RATE THEM!
2. Be sex-a-licious.
3. RAS.!
1.And then yeah, i dunno, but no one can mess with that plan. She said to me that she said to JP that she invited him to hang out with us on the first day, at first i was like oh shit no, but now im like YEAH! but then Micheal said to Ros that he's not, but Micheal, if you make him not hang out with that group or me, i will shove a dildo up your ass till it bleeds.
Im sorry, that was a bit harsh, but seriously, fuck off.
No i love you (frienddddd)
2. I think i like this guy, but like i have said, i cant find it in me to let go of JP. this is like just as bad as the Nate thing, i liked him till december 23rd.
and its like fuck much?
And then i dont want to make any sudden moves with the guy, like people say he likes me to, but if he doesnt, im not ready to go through this shit again, and like it sounds like im talking like i know what it it like to be in a relationship, in actuality i have been on 2 dates in my life, and trust me my first date was with gag gag gag NATE. then second was with sigh... Justin Platnar.
And then i really dont want to go through another regret.
3.My family is so stupid, without my mom here it feels like i might as well be dead, i dont want to show the pain in how much i miss her each day, i just dont want to show anyone, i know they will atomaticaly think differently or be all "im sorry, i know you must miss her, i know how you feel/" BUT DO YOU ACTUALLY KNOW HOW IT FUCKING FEELS TO HAVE YOUR MOTHER NOT HERE ANYMORE?
no you dont, and if you did, you didnt know my mother, she was the most amazing person i would have ever met, she sang, she was an author she drew she was an actress. she was everything, it sounds cheesy to say this, but she was like my role model, and then to have her gone, not to see her ever again, how would you feel if this happend to you. :
It is the best literaly the best day at school you have ever had, then your teacher comes up to you and says your dad is comming to pick you up to take you somewhere.
Then your once best friend Aidan Chee comes up to you and says when you come back can you buy me somecandy, and yousay why dont i just get you some when im out then i'll give it to you tomorrow or something. But then when you get in your dads car he says "your aunt sharron called and said that this will be the last time you'll be able to see your mother."
HOW WOULD YOU FEEL? then once you get to the hospital you just think about the night before, your at your dads house, on the phone not wanting your dad to hear what your saying because you think he will get mad at you, i didnt even say i love you to my mother, and then it was the last time i heard her voice, and i didnt even say i love you, then when you get to the hospital she is basically a vegtibal.
She can hear you, or so they say, but they cant say anything to you back.
not one measly word.
If i could i would go back in time, and i would have spent much much more time with her.
I just wish that she knew, every good thing i do is for her, and everytime i do something bad, its basically my cry for her.
What has our world come to?
So today i had breakfast with my brother Nik.
It was fun. Except i was like EERR.
And then after, i went shopping with Ros. That was really fun too :)
I was just thinking about stuff.
Becuase after all that i went to Kara's house, and i was walking home, walking so fast that i might as well be running. When i realized that our world has become a place of slaughters and cereal killers. I dont know why, but i cant sleep, or walk anywhere without thinking somewhere in this world someone is suffering.
We dont realize how good we have it. And when the slightest thing goes wrong we just put everything on hold and, more like we put our needs infront of everyone else's and then we act like its bigger than the biggest world matters.
Like look back a couple years ago to "The Strangers".
A couple left a wedding early because the guy proposed to a girl and she said no... they left there friends most happy day, because one thing went wrong.
Then, they get killed. That could have happened to anyone.
But ofcorse it had to happen to them.
I feel fortunate to not of had that happen to me. Well obviously.
But then, im making a T.V refferance, but like the show Dexter.
The guys a cereal killer. But he only kills the bad people.
And i know there is never an excuse to kill. And even in his case, killing the people who killed the inocent.
And then these guys, the strangers,
they didnt even know these people, they made the man KILL his own brother, how would you feel if you killed your own brother?
I would hate myself forever if i killed anyone, let alone my own brother.
But the thing that i find worst of all, is that these people torchered the guy and girl before they killed them, like, stalking them IN THERE OWN HOME, watching the movie, learning more on it, it just would be a terrible way to die,
i think the only way i would feel good about dieing is saving someone else's life in the making of my dieing... does that make sense?
I dunno.
But to me it does, if anyone even follows this then i probably sound like a complete and total retard.
Well. if i were to choose the way i were to die, i would want to die either by getting hit my an ambulance, seriously, it would be the most ironic thing in the world. And it would just be fucking hilarious. Well no, dieing period is not really a funny subject, having someone close to myself lost, its a terrible feeling, i know by missing my mom... it makes me just want to curl up into a ball and never move from it.
But the reason why i was thinking of the strangers is that when i was walking home i just... well i just keep imagining them, well the daughter from the strangers beeing in my drive way, or just on the other end of the side walk.
Well, i saw the movie in October, and i still cant sleep. its not even that it was scary, even though it was! its because its a true story, and this could happen to anyone.
But looking back on the night watching, at Ben's house, and i was screaming a lot, and the one time i didnt scream and someone else did, everyone was like SHUT-UP ALLIE! and i was like, its not me!
Turns out it was Henry.
It was fun. Except i was like EERR.
And then after, i went shopping with Ros. That was really fun too :)
I was just thinking about stuff.
Becuase after all that i went to Kara's house, and i was walking home, walking so fast that i might as well be running. When i realized that our world has become a place of slaughters and cereal killers. I dont know why, but i cant sleep, or walk anywhere without thinking somewhere in this world someone is suffering.
We dont realize how good we have it. And when the slightest thing goes wrong we just put everything on hold and, more like we put our needs infront of everyone else's and then we act like its bigger than the biggest world matters.
Like look back a couple years ago to "The Strangers".
A couple left a wedding early because the guy proposed to a girl and she said no... they left there friends most happy day, because one thing went wrong.
Then, they get killed. That could have happened to anyone.
But ofcorse it had to happen to them.
I feel fortunate to not of had that happen to me. Well obviously.
But then, im making a T.V refferance, but like the show Dexter.
The guys a cereal killer. But he only kills the bad people.
And i know there is never an excuse to kill. And even in his case, killing the people who killed the inocent.
And then these guys, the strangers,
they didnt even know these people, they made the man KILL his own brother, how would you feel if you killed your own brother?
I would hate myself forever if i killed anyone, let alone my own brother.
But the thing that i find worst of all, is that these people torchered the guy and girl before they killed them, like, stalking them IN THERE OWN HOME, watching the movie, learning more on it, it just would be a terrible way to die,
i think the only way i would feel good about dieing is saving someone else's life in the making of my dieing... does that make sense?
I dunno.
But to me it does, if anyone even follows this then i probably sound like a complete and total retard.
Well. if i were to choose the way i were to die, i would want to die either by getting hit my an ambulance, seriously, it would be the most ironic thing in the world. And it would just be fucking hilarious. Well no, dieing period is not really a funny subject, having someone close to myself lost, its a terrible feeling, i know by missing my mom... it makes me just want to curl up into a ball and never move from it.
But the reason why i was thinking of the strangers is that when i was walking home i just... well i just keep imagining them, well the daughter from the strangers beeing in my drive way, or just on the other end of the side walk.
Well, i saw the movie in October, and i still cant sleep. its not even that it was scary, even though it was! its because its a true story, and this could happen to anyone.
But looking back on the night watching, at Ben's house, and i was screaming a lot, and the one time i didnt scream and someone else did, everyone was like SHUT-UP ALLIE! and i was like, its not me!
Turns out it was Henry.
Friday, February 27, 2009
when it all falls apart.
Everything is F'ed up straight from the heart
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
-The Veronicas
No
OK.
well...
I AM IN ROSEDALEEEEE!
im so happy...
but highschool with my bro..
I will love to see how that plays out.
HAVE YOU GUYS REALIZED HOW FUCKED UP THE VIDEO FOR A THOUSAND MILES IS?!
Well. My brother just came up to my room. FUCKING POUNDING HIS FEET ON THE STAIRS. and then he says ever so sweetly. "do you know hat a fucknig door is for?" like seriously. Dnt even fuck with me right now. i am about to crack, i swear to god, i am not playing "nice" happy allie anymore. i am fed up. and i am abotu to burst. i hate my self.
i really do. i hate myself
Tell me what do you do, when it all falls apart
Gotta pick myself up where do I start
'cause I can't turn to you when it all falls apart
-The Veronicas
No
OK.
well...
I AM IN ROSEDALEEEEE!
im so happy...
but highschool with my bro..
I will love to see how that plays out.
HAVE YOU GUYS REALIZED HOW FUCKED UP THE VIDEO FOR A THOUSAND MILES IS?!
Well. My brother just came up to my room. FUCKING POUNDING HIS FEET ON THE STAIRS. and then he says ever so sweetly. "do you know hat a fucknig door is for?" like seriously. Dnt even fuck with me right now. i am about to crack, i swear to god, i am not playing "nice" happy allie anymore. i am fed up. and i am abotu to burst. i hate my self.
i really do. i hate myself
Thursday, February 26, 2009
origanal..? dedicated to him...
OK. well this is an origanal song.
I have writen a lot. but all of them are really bad,
this one is also kind of well..
shit.
what havei done, it sounds shit. well yeah. its about person.
Verse 1
I heard about you before,
But i didnt listen.
I fell to fast.
And then you left
i was here all alone,
waiting for you to come back,
i know your not,
but i cant find it in myself
to move on.
chorus
from the moment we met,
i knew there was something.
i saw you,
and never wanted you to go,
i saw his face,
and thats when i knew that when i always fall.
its never in love
verse 2
i never thought it would end liek this
i cant believe that you would be the one to do this
i thought you were different
but it turns out your just like all the rest.
chorus
verse 3
i cant sleep at night,
im tossing and turning
i feel sick inside
when you left it feels like i've died.
you made me feel so alive then when you left i knew i should
hide.
chorus.
I have writen a lot. but all of them are really bad,
this one is also kind of well..
shit.
what havei done, it sounds shit. well yeah. its about person.
Verse 1
I heard about you before,
But i didnt listen.
I fell to fast.
And then you left
i was here all alone,
waiting for you to come back,
i know your not,
but i cant find it in myself
to move on.
chorus
from the moment we met,
i knew there was something.
i saw you,
and never wanted you to go,
i saw his face,
and thats when i knew that when i always fall.
its never in love
verse 2
i never thought it would end liek this
i cant believe that you would be the one to do this
i thought you were different
but it turns out your just like all the rest.
chorus
verse 3
i cant sleep at night,
im tossing and turning
i feel sick inside
when you left it feels like i've died.
you made me feel so alive then when you left i knew i should
hide.
chorus.
Depressed.
Ok.
So todaym Charlotte and i were having a bagel at Tim Hortonts. And we saw a model having a photo shoot out side.
And just looking at her body i was like. Holy crap. im a fatty. im sitting in a place eating fat food. and there is this really skinny girl taking pictures.
I want to be a model so i have an excuse not to eat. because right now if i do, people will think im stupid. But after Charlotte and i crossed the street, and i went up to her and asked her wha it was like to be a model, and how she enjoys it.
And it seems likecool?
Like i would never be skinny enough to be a model.
But i really want to be.
Tomorrow i am going to my "friend" Bonnies school... Justin also goes there, and thats really the reason why i am going. im not like creepy stalker girl.
but in the words of taylor swift. "i dont want to loose your face, i dont want to wake up one day and not remember what time erased, cause im not scared of what love gave me and took away, i dont want to loose your face."
I was on the phone with Bonnie like an hour or so ago and i was fucking crying. i was trying so hard not to. Like i went out once with this guy, but its one of those things where your like, oh crap i really like this guy. And you just cant let them go.
I want to not like him. But i just cant find it in myself to just let him go.
Its like the hole Nate situation. Except ew god that was Nate.
Like i can list all the factors that went wrong with Nate and then compare them with Justin.
NATE:
1. he was really odd?
2. too short.
3. he was "lame"
4.... ugly.
Justin:
.....
i cant fucking think of anything,
GAH,
i want this to be over with.
Just like shoot me... okay?
Seriously. i cant stand liking him. First off i havent talked to him in a while. But i was having a sleepover with Molly yesterday, and i was on her account and i added him. and i talked to him on her account. but then when she started talking to him she sounded liek she was going to like rape him or something, the only thing i said was do you like the clash and the ramones.
I have the meeting tomorrow.
Im really nerves,
like many people have pointed this out to me....
i am not to great with the words.
And when i cant think of anything to say... i just start screaming,
like in gym class..
i shot the basketball at the net, and Matthew walked under it as soon as i shot it adn then i couldnt think of anything to say so i just statrted screaming.
I SUCK.
Seriously i hate my life.
I talked to Laura today,
Laura is the only person i can talk to,
she is my bestie in the whole world :)
She said she doesnt wantt to go to Rosedale.
But she is applying to Jarvis :)
I really just want to curl up in a ball and like
stay there for the rest of my life and never leave it or wake up.
Sometimes life can be so great, but then when you actually want something, you realize your life just sucks.
Well this is an uber long post i guess.
Longer than most of them lol.
I miss my mom...
And its really hard for me to say that. like honestly. i never tell it to anyone.
not even laura. i tell laura everything.
and i miss my mom so much.
when i got my acceptance letters to the high schools. i was like so depressed,
because my mom would have wanted to be there
to see me off to high school.
But then like.
okay. there are so many reasons why i do this.
but honestly i cry myself to sleep most nights.
Because of her, and because of said person.
Well im going to go finish my homework then take a shower then sleep
love Allie :(
So todaym Charlotte and i were having a bagel at Tim Hortonts. And we saw a model having a photo shoot out side.
And just looking at her body i was like. Holy crap. im a fatty. im sitting in a place eating fat food. and there is this really skinny girl taking pictures.
I want to be a model so i have an excuse not to eat. because right now if i do, people will think im stupid. But after Charlotte and i crossed the street, and i went up to her and asked her wha it was like to be a model, and how she enjoys it.
And it seems likecool?
Like i would never be skinny enough to be a model.
But i really want to be.
Tomorrow i am going to my "friend" Bonnies school... Justin also goes there, and thats really the reason why i am going. im not like creepy stalker girl.
but in the words of taylor swift. "i dont want to loose your face, i dont want to wake up one day and not remember what time erased, cause im not scared of what love gave me and took away, i dont want to loose your face."
I was on the phone with Bonnie like an hour or so ago and i was fucking crying. i was trying so hard not to. Like i went out once with this guy, but its one of those things where your like, oh crap i really like this guy. And you just cant let them go.
I want to not like him. But i just cant find it in myself to just let him go.
Its like the hole Nate situation. Except ew god that was Nate.
Like i can list all the factors that went wrong with Nate and then compare them with Justin.
NATE:
1. he was really odd?
2. too short.
3. he was "lame"
4.... ugly.
Justin:
.....
i cant fucking think of anything,
GAH,
i want this to be over with.
Just like shoot me... okay?
Seriously. i cant stand liking him. First off i havent talked to him in a while. But i was having a sleepover with Molly yesterday, and i was on her account and i added him. and i talked to him on her account. but then when she started talking to him she sounded liek she was going to like rape him or something, the only thing i said was do you like the clash and the ramones.
I have the meeting tomorrow.
Im really nerves,
like many people have pointed this out to me....
i am not to great with the words.
And when i cant think of anything to say... i just start screaming,
like in gym class..
i shot the basketball at the net, and Matthew walked under it as soon as i shot it adn then i couldnt think of anything to say so i just statrted screaming.
I SUCK.
Seriously i hate my life.
I talked to Laura today,
Laura is the only person i can talk to,
she is my bestie in the whole world :)
She said she doesnt wantt to go to Rosedale.
But she is applying to Jarvis :)
I really just want to curl up in a ball and like
stay there for the rest of my life and never leave it or wake up.
Sometimes life can be so great, but then when you actually want something, you realize your life just sucks.
Well this is an uber long post i guess.
Longer than most of them lol.
I miss my mom...
And its really hard for me to say that. like honestly. i never tell it to anyone.
not even laura. i tell laura everything.
and i miss my mom so much.
when i got my acceptance letters to the high schools. i was like so depressed,
because my mom would have wanted to be there
to see me off to high school.
But then like.
okay. there are so many reasons why i do this.
but honestly i cry myself to sleep most nights.
Because of her, and because of said person.
Well im going to go finish my homework then take a shower then sleep
love Allie :(
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
:( ANOTHER FUCKING DEPRESSED POST
OK, well right now.
I ma still fucknig pissed off about this guy,.
He likes this girl. and yesterday when she told me and i was crying, she didnt give a flying crap.
And if the guy she likes came up to her and said i dont want to date you, she would make this big scene about it, and make everyone be like, omg your such a dick for not liking her.
And this guy doesnt like me. liek its his choice i dont care. i'd rather him be happy without me then pissed with me.
I just hate likeing people, especially this guy, without them liking me back.
I want to stop STOP liking him. i havent talked to him in so long. Well like
i dunno, i want to like, GAR.
I might aswell be like dead.
I feel like i am. i just want to be alone, and i want to be like
god just kill me.
Im not an Emo little shit.
I am usually a really happy person.
I god a fricken C on a french test.
BECAUSE IM UPSET ABOUT A GUY,
A GUY IS GETTING TO MY GRADES.
IM LETTING THIS RUIN MY LIFE.
I ma still fucknig pissed off about this guy,.
He likes this girl. and yesterday when she told me and i was crying, she didnt give a flying crap.
And if the guy she likes came up to her and said i dont want to date you, she would make this big scene about it, and make everyone be like, omg your such a dick for not liking her.
And this guy doesnt like me. liek its his choice i dont care. i'd rather him be happy without me then pissed with me.
I just hate likeing people, especially this guy, without them liking me back.
I want to stop STOP liking him. i havent talked to him in so long. Well like
i dunno, i want to like, GAR.
I might aswell be like dead.
I feel like i am. i just want to be alone, and i want to be like
god just kill me.
Im not an Emo little shit.
I am usually a really happy person.
I god a fricken C on a french test.
BECAUSE IM UPSET ABOUT A GUY,
A GUY IS GETTING TO MY GRADES.
IM LETTING THIS RUIN MY LIFE.
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